Animals

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

Ewwwwwwww

Today, I had to move down to the third floor because after complaining about rats on my rooftop the landlord put down traps. The rats died. Flies came. The flies laid eggs. The eggs birthed maggots. The maggots rained down from my broken ceiling into my bed and all over my floor. I'm not okay. FML

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

Rats!

Today, we’ve had a rat problem in our house for a few weeks. Recently I hid a bottle of booze in my room so my parents wouldn’t see it. But my parents saw a rat in my room and tore the whole thing apart to find it, eventually finding my bottle instead. I was literally ratted out by a rat. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

Today, my 1 month old kitten peed all over my kitchen floor. I wanted to get some water out of one of drawers and slipped on the piss. My phone shattered and i dislocated my arm. FML

Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

Today, I finally got up the nerve to leave my boyfriend. We have no spark and quite honestly, it's been really awkward. I planned to tell him when he came in, and I did. After all was said and done, he handed me the roses and new puppy he had bought for me, a puppy that I had been saving up to get. FML

Today, I realized after I wrapped myself in a blanket that it was my cat's "humping blanket". FML

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

Hell

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

Bad boy

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag, and parts of our wall. FML

Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

Today, I made a frustrating discovery about my new bunny. He can’t stand the fan in my small studio apartment, and thumps angrily and refuses to sleep if it's on. I can’t sleep with it off. FML

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

Scared to bed

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

WTF?

Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML

Big man

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML