Today, I saw the guy I bullied during elementary school and tried to apologize to him. Instead, he took out a knife and stabbed me. I'm currently in the ER. FML
Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML
Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend's family for the first time. Unfortunately, I have diarrhoea and keep leaving extremely smelly farts around the house. I blame the dog every time, but I think they're catching on. FML
Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML
Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML
Today, I was having a beautiful lucid dream when a telemarketer called at 5AM, waking me up. I silenced my phone and went back to sleep, and was somehow able to resume my lucid dream. Then my phone vibrated me awake. It was the same telemarketer, this time calling at 7AM. FML
Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML
Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML
Today, I went on a date for the first time in almost a year. To keep things casual, he had a couple of his friends join. Oh and by a couple of friends, I mean a party of people from his church. I'm not religious. The date wasn't even half over before I was being preached to. FML
Today, just after letting my dogs inside, I took a shower. As soon as I left the bathroom, I stepped in a very nice present left by my dog, a pile of warm crap. After getting that mess cleaned up, I walked into the hallway just to slip in a puddle of piss. FML
Good Boy tells us more.
Today, while going to visit my father, I got out of the car and put my iPad on the roof to grab my bags. My mom drove off before I could get it. FML
SonofMnemosyne tells us more.
OP here... My mom was in a rush because she was dropping me off before she took my sister to the hospital for a really bad cough which made it hard to breathe for her. She's better now. I didn't find the IPad, but I got a new one the week after as an early birthday present from my grandparents.
Today, I was pulled over and given a ticket for a broken tail light. On the way to the mechanic. To get my tail light fixed. FML
Today, I was wrapping up a 30+ hour commission when a software bug caused my main layer to delete itself. There doesn't appear to be any way I can restore it. FML
Today, I was touring a house I’m interested in when one of the two realtors stepped out for a minute and never came back. My purse was stolen from my car. FML
Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML
Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancée's Tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML
Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML
Today, I arrived at the house we rented for my sister's engagement party. I was also told that I have to sleep in the most cramped bedroom with my uncle, who sounds like a mortally wounded warthog when he snores. I paid for the rental. FML
Today, the coworker I have a crush on left halfway through the busiest shift of the week, and now I have to work it alone. I eventually found out that she left to go on a date with her new boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML
Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML
Today, I actually said the words "yes, a blowjob from a guy is still cheating" to my husband. I never thought that would be a problem. FML
Today, a creepy-looking guy asked me if I "like bananas" and I said no. He then followed with "Do you want to taste my banana?" Shocked by his boldness, I froze. My boyfriend, who had heard the entire exchange, just laughed and walked off, leaving me with the creeper. FML
InnocenceBlue tells us more.
Hi guys, OP here. I am no longer with this guy, for many reasons but this was a huge one. Not the first time something like this has happened. To answer any queries, I have anxiety, mainly towards surprises/shocks and this was one hell of a surprise. My ex knew I have "issues" and disappeared into the crowd (this was at a nightclub) knowing I wasn't following. Thanks for the funny replies and support :)
Today, my boyfriend's mother informed me that when I visit him next month, he is planning to propose. We have a long-distance relationship and I've been thinking of breaking it off. His friends and family are involved with the proposal he planned. They're all going to hate me. FML
Today, my cat peed on my long-term project so I had to stay up until 4 am doing the whole thing again... just for it to fall in the train tracks. FML
Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML
Today, I learned that the gentleman who found my wallet was not satisfied with the $300 cash and forged a check for a washer and dryer. I found out when I checked my account. It cleared. FML
Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML
Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML
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