Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML
Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML
Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML
Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML
Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML
Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML
Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML
Today, our 8-month-old son had a big cold and his nose was blocked. I couldn't find the baby nose pump in it's usual place, so I went to ask my husband. He had it in his hand, and was using to decorate the cake that was going to be served to tonight's guests, my parents. FML
Today, I went to visit my mother after many years. Her hoarding has gotten so bad that now the house is entirely filled with junk and garbage, and she is camping out in the jungle of a backyard, cooking on a cauldron over a fire and shitting in the compost pile, with no working heat or water. FML
childofcrazy tells us more.
Many thanks to those who understand hoarding behavior and who defended me. In case you were wondering: 1. I have tried to help my mother for over 20 years and she refuses help, professional or otherwise. 2. I exaggerated how long it has been. I have seen my mother many times, usually she visits me. She has not allowed into my childhood home since I left for college 12 years ago. It has just gotten worse now. She really is living in the backyard, this is not an exaggeration. 3. I am currently working on what to do for her; I am trying to get her some help in this crisis, even if that includes forceful removal. 4. Humor helps me deal with tragic circumstances. This is why I chose to share this ridiculously sad story. 5. Hoarding is never the child's fault. I have been living this down and getting over guilt my whole life. 6. I can only imagine being on TV would be akin to suicide for her, as hoarding is a secretive problem. 6. Kids, if you live in a cluttered landfill of a house, your parents' hoarding is its own mental disorder. It is an addiction. Childrenofhoarders.com is a great first resource. There is help. 7. Yes, I think my mom is probably doing spells in the backyard. I gotta get this shit figured out before winter. She is in Iowa.
Today, my dad got so drunk that I had to drive him home. He kept yelling at me to not speed, saying I was going too fast and that there were too many bumps on the road. I hadn't even started the car yet. FML
AnonymousZOMBIE tells us more.
He practically had a heart attack telling me that I'm not a race driver, when actually I had decided to take the smaller roads and I was going at about 20 mph. Then he proceeded to take off his seat belt jump to the back of the car and lay down on the floor praying that I don't crash the car on the way home. When we finally got home he said if I could heat up his shoes??? because he was very hungry, 10 seconds later, he passed out on the couch. To tell you the truth I don't think alcohol was the only thing he had last night. He works very long hours, and he's a hard working man, and he is always there for us. They gave him a 2 week vacation and the youngest of my brothers is going off to college. I guess he deserves a little bit of fun, especially when my mother passed away a year after my youngest brother was born, he had to raise 3 kids on his own. He got very drunk, but he deserves to have fun every once in a while, the good thing is that there is only one bar he goes to and both the manager and the bartender know us very well and calls one of us to pick him up so he won't have to drive.
Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was notified that I'm being discharged after two weeks because my employers don't have the time to train me at my first real job in six years. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML
Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the last 3 months. My boss said he doesn't know what I've done to improve, but to keep it up. I'd only started looking for another job, and stopped giving a shit. FML
Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML
Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML
Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML
Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML
Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML
Today, I was swimming my routine laps at the gym's pool and a man came in and swam in the adjacent lane. While swimming freestyle, I smelled a really nasty fart. Not a minute later, he hurriedly left. I didn't realize what he had done until I saw "floating particles" in the water. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML
Today, I overheard my soon to be step-daughter telling her friend on the phone that she hopes that mine and her father's wedding is just a big joke, and that he isn't really going to go through with it. I just dropped five grand on a dress and venue. She's in for a surprise. FML
Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML
Today, I had to call a parent and tell them that their special needs daughter is pregnant. FML
Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML
Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML
Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML
Today, my boss confided in me that when a gay person visits his house, he discreetly follows them around and cleans anything they touched and everywhere they sat with disinfectant wipes. I've worked for him for 7 years but he doesn't know I'm gay. FML
protoskore tells us more.
protoskore 27
the business is family owned. the only way to get past a certain point in the hierarchy is to marry one of the daughters and none of them is my type :) besides, I'm fairly well placed and trusted, and the bonuses are large and come often enough.
Today, my creepy 12-year-old neighbour stood on his trampoline, looked over my fence and started waving a large net around, chanting my dog's name. Now I'm scared to let my dog outside alone. FML
Wonderful_0 tells us more.
Wonderful_0 19
Hi no my dog is very controlled and well behaved, and only barks to ward off danger. However, because he's just a big softie, (he's a border collie/black Labrador cross breed) all the neighbours love him, but apparently this kid loves him a little too much...
Today, my grandmother ripped her pants. We all got a big view of her pink thong. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
