Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML
All the FMLs
Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML
Today, I decided I wanted to bleach my hair, so I asked my mother for help. Apparently, something went wrong, because clumps of my hair started falling out. Now I'm half blonde and half bald, and my mom is just laughing at me. FML
Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML
Today, I tried to arrange my first gallery exhibition as a photography student. Not even my mother wants to come. FML
Bye Felicia!
Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances." FML
Appropriate appropriation
Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML
Spread
Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML
Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML
My little girl
Today, I told my parents I'm pregnant. I got a long lecture from my mom about using protection. It would have been fine hearing all that, but I'm turning 22, I moved out a few years ago, have a full time job with great benefits, and am getting married next summer. FML
Today, I was sent to the principal's office because I refused to take my earbuds out. Those "earbuds" are my hearing aids. FML
Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML
Today, I heard my skinny 14-year-old daughter tell her friend, "Ugh, I wish I had leukemia or something so that I could lose weight." Yes, she actually said that. FML
PupZilla tells us more.
PupZilla 2
Hello everyone, Op here First off, holy crap i didnt think this would get published, but when i got the email that it did, i HAD to look at the comments. Secondly, she doesnt live with me most of the time, she lives with her dad and visits me one day a week and every other weekend. I am there for her and we talk a lot and are very close. Thirdly, i have NO idea why she said this. I talked to her after her friend left and she told me that she is very confident in herself, but feels that she wants to be a size 0, not a size 2. She is very open with me and i can spot when she is not being truthful from a mile away. I explained to her how it was highly inappropriate and she seemed to understand. The friend that she had over is one friend that neither me nor her father likes. She has influenced my daughter in an unhealthy way. If my ex or myself notices any more behavior like this then we will take her to therapy. My daughter definitely meant leukemia because when i asked her about it, she told me that it was not anorexia or bulimia that she was talking about. She is very confident with her body and i actually have to tell her to cover up sometimes because of what she wears. Anyway, I spoke with her and she now understands how bad cancer is and what it does to people. I will definitely be keeping a closer eye on her now and her father will too. And to those of you who said i was eavesdropping, she was in the living room, and i was coming down the stairs.
Today, after helping run salads and bread to a table, they demanded I do something about the bug problem. I would've been more understanding if they hadn't chosen to sit outside. FML
smokecloud_ tells us more.
smokecloud_ 37
Squee I get my follow up badge!! OP here. :D I'm a server at a chain Italian restaurant that is NOT Olive Garden. There were two servers manning our patio with almost 20 tables, and one of those servers also had to come inside and make all of the alcoholic beverages for the entire patio. Me, being a bored inside server and a selfless team player, ran a couple salads out for the guy tending bar. They seemed annoyed when I walked up and complained that they'd asked for bread. I whisked away and brought back twice the amount of bread for a five top (they just looked the part) when the lady said "UGH!" and pointed to a gnat that had flown into her Caesar salad, on the side of the plate she had already cleared. "Oh no!" I exclaim. "That's terrrible, would you like me to take this back and have it remade?" She declined, and that's when she rather nastily said we should REALLY do something about the bugs. I just looked at her and said sorry, we're outside, there's not much I can do about it. I did tell a manager, and he talked to them, but I doubt they were satisfied by his pointing out that we don't have nets and waving his arms at these imaginary nets. :x Anyways, sorry for the novel, I've been waiting for this day far too long. Thank you FML community, and remember, don't forget to tip your server. :D
Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML
Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML
Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML
Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML
Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "Ha! When losers send you flowers." FML
Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML
Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML
Today, our family dog died. A couple of hours after the death, my mother-in-law slapped my crying five year old son over the head and told him to "Man up." She totally refuses to admit she did anything wrong. FML
WittyMoron tells us more.
WittyMoron 22
I told my wife that was completely unacceptable, and as some people said, I took the high road in not slapping her back. I began an argument with my wife about it, and it got a bit intense. I told her that her mother could not come back, and she got quite angry. I went into the living room and began to cry. This is what gets me. What she did taught him the wrong thing. My son came in, said "Man up, daddy!" and tried to slap me, but he's little so it didn't hurt. But anyway, I got even more furious that he had learnt something from it. The argument ensued. Things are a bit cold. Sleeping on the sofa now but I told my son it's okay to be upset. Buried the dog, and needless to say my MIL is not invited back for a little while.
Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML
Today, we had a long meeting at work about how we are supposed to feel safe, and to come to the managers if we have any problems. I decided to speak up about a coworker that has been harassing me and several others. My manager laughed at me and walked away. FML
nevergiveinever tells us more.
OP here, this is a long story but bare with me, lots of shit has gone down in the past week: First off, to those telling me to go to HR, here's the thing: my managers ARE HR. If they won't do anything about it, then we're screwed. Which absolutely sucks ass. Here's the full story: I work in an intricate metals factory, because that's really all my town has to offer, but manual labor a pays really well and I have bills to pay so I can't complain. And yes I will move eventually but I need to save up a few grand first. Our company recently got sold to another metal factory called Metalkraft and that factory's owners are now our owners as well, and there is normally at least one of them at our plant every day. Our managers are a married couple, which makes plenty of situations hard to figure out how to handle. Before this meeting, the husband manager had been touching me. At first it was like friendly like "welcome to the company" shoulder pats and him picking on me like the other employees..... And then it became legitimate touching of the crotch and boobs when nobody was around. When these new owners came in, I told them right away that he had been touching me inappropriately and I had found out that he has been doing to the other younger females as well. They nipped the problem right in the ass and he hasn't done it to me since. This past week, a coworker went to the owners with her own problem of harassment from the wife manager. If the stories are true, she had been yelling and screaming at this coworker about her job, when the only "problem" was this coworker was having trouble lifting some of the metal wire that comes in spools like thread that we use on our machines, and those things can get HEAVY. The wife manager claims that she didn't realize she was harassing this lady, and says that if she can't lift the wire herself and so her job herself that she does not need to have it. The managers swiftly took away the lady's office, took away her key to the front door, deducted her pay, and stuck her in the packing room with me and the rest of packing/shipping. That lady quit on Tuesday. And honestly, I don't think she really had a choice. So basically, our managers are telling us that we should feel comfortable enough to come to them with problems instead of the owners. But what they just showed us is "if you have a problem with us we will terminate your job position and make your life a living hell until you quit."
Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML
Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML
Today, a dog bit me on the bus. Instead of apologising, its owner said it was my fault because my hands "must smell of meat". I'm a vegetarian. FML
alaillama tells us more.
alaillama 14
OP here: just to say that a) it was a small lap dog, but very ferocious. The bus was very crowded so I was pressed up against the dog, holding my phone with one hand and the other by my side (it bit that one); b) I had washed my hands just 20 minutes before getting on the bus (in the LADIES toilets), so they must have smelled on soap or of nothing at all. I checked afterwards and I couldn't smell anything unusual; c) thankfully my stop was pretty close so it wasn't long before I could treat it Thanks for all your concerns in the comments! It's really nice to hear them- it's healing quickly and hopefully there won't be a scar :) xxx
Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML