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Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

by thisisnotavirustrustme.exe / 04/18/2015 at 3:34pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

by shamefaced / 12/06/2012 at 10:11pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Love

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

by Darth Binks / 02/01/2015 at 1:48pm / Canada / Work

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

by dadsadipshit / 02/15/2013 at 6:00pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2011 at 9:29pm / United States / Geek

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2015 at 10:23am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

by unfortunate419 / 02/17/2010 at 2:30am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

by upupandaway / 01/30/2012 at 6:51pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

by Asirual / 05/02/2011 at 2:02pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, some asshat ran onto the road and tried and jump over my car as I drove by. He didn't make the jump. FML

by gurding / 06/21/2015 at 12:57am / Australia (New South Wales) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

by jocksblow / 11/14/2011 at 8:23am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2014 at 6:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was yelled at and humiliated by my otherwise awesome brother-in-law for my supposed lack of effort in the planning of a baby shower for my very pregnant sister. The kicker? Her huge, break-my-bank semi-surprise baby shower has been in the works for a month and is happening this weekend. FML

by goodsister / 10/14/2009 at 4:09am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous