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Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2014 at 10:23am / Australia (Queensland) / Transportation

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

by Anonymous / 04/24/2015 at 11:23pm / United States / Money

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 1:18pm / Singapore / Intimacy

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

by boo / 11/16/2014 at 10:07pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2012 at 10:50am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2015 at 12:10am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered I have a cyst on my backside. I can't get it removed until Friday. I have to sit through four midterms this week. FML

by Britney / 10/24/2011 at 6:06pm / United States / Health

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

by soconfused / 03/03/2015 at 5:15am / United Kingdom (Belfast) / Work

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got a hold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible". He was referring to me. FML

by anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 12:40am / United States (California) / Love

Today, after informing my boss I needed stress leave from my 70 hour a week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week starting at 2am. FML

by NotAMorningPerson / 02/11/2011 at 11:02pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, I was trying to get to my boyfriend via public transport in Thailand. He was giving the driver instructions through my phone when my phone went flat. I am now alone in the passenger seat of a car, next to a creepy old driver, no idea where he is taking me, and I don't speak a word of Thai. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2010 at 12:05am / Thailand (Krung Thep) / Transportation

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

by Elmoo / 05/31/2012 at 9:20pm / Netherlands / Work

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2013 at 8:06am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous