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Illustrated FML (314) - About FMyLife (66) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6)

The Best of the Worst #14

We're back! Hooray! It's the month of May and time once again to dig around the FML postbag to see what wonders of the English language we can find. Like a sculptor making a statue out of a block of marble, we're moulding insanity into something pure and beautiful. Something like that. We have to justify taking the piss out of these submissions, one way or another, so art for art's sake it'll be. Anyway, let's get on with it. 

For those of you who have no idea what this is all about: we get sent thousands of FMLs per day. We only publish a few, because most are rejected for being rubbish. And that's putting it mildly. But then there's those which are… let's say, a bit odd. This compendium is our way of thanking those brave souls who have put finger to keyboard to send us in their thoughts, aspirations and insanity. If you can work out what all of these submissions mean, well, that's amazing. Check out this month's selection. 


The sweet smell of success

Today, I realized that I haven’t left the house for a week because I can’t stop farting for more than five minutes. FML

Big bird

I was walking down the stairs and a big juicy person squelched my body so good it is juice all over and it was making me so juicy had to extract the juice with a turkey baster soon after they took out turkey baster and they basted my turkey with itnot to sound so incredibly juicing in good

Make it sew

Today,My mom told me I had syphilis so she sewed my vaginas together! FmL

No logo

Today, my dad who hates commercials sang the logo of one of them. He said “Ace is the place where the helpful hardware home.” he said “home” at the last second, BUT THATS NOTTTT THE RIGHT LOGO. FHL and FML P.S FHL is fuck his life

Balls to Picasso

Today, today some grabbed my balls and ran I said I paid 2.00 for those I bet u were thinking that it was my real balls


Today, my cousin asked where babies come from. I said they were from oobies. She asked what “oobies” were. I said it was a pink pumpkin. She missed heard me and started screaming out, babies are from BOOBIES! My Aunty looked horrified

No, we didn't

?????????????????????????bet you didn’t know about emoticons


everyone thinks I’m a women, But really, I’m a man and my real name is Herbert.


Today, fml since yours is sooo fucked up drink a beer and get the fucked over it

Solo career

Today,it’s so hard to go to sleep for me but I want to solo! Bad but I can’t??

That's it for this month. We'll be back in June with a some more of the same, because there's a whole bunch of them in stock. If you enjoyed reading these, you can try and spot some more by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. Oh, and as usual, these are all compiled from the website/app since the start, so don't bother trying to send in "weird" FMLs to try and get published here: we can tell. See you next month!


Bonus track: Sometimes, an FML can also tell a story of a man's triumph over the elements, over nature. Silver linings, and all that.

So do we sometimes

Today, i got hard from reading these….FML

#1519 - About FMyLife - On 05/20/2015 at 10:47am by Alan - 82 comments

Caleb's illustrated FML

It's seems that it's a bad time to be a King. First Ben E., now B.B. We're guessing that Larry, Carole and Burger are probably a bit nervous right now. But let's not dwell on the sad events of the week, let's turn our faces to the light and the love. This week we're all about the love. Well, if you can find it out there. It's getting tough on romantics, what with everyone becoming so cynical and hardened by irony. People used to wonder, "Does he/she like me?". Now it's more a case of, "Does he/she like me or is that some sort of post-modern ironic take on liking me to satirise liking someone, I'm confused and hungry and alone and I'm not even sure who this person is anymore." This week's illustration leaves no doubt about it. We wouldn't recommend trying the technique involved, though.


"And if all else fails, I got to draw silly animals and I really can’t ask for much more than that."

Self portrait Caleb and friend by Caleb


Caleb is an actual guy from the USA. This is quite unusual because we usually get people from Europe, so we're quite pleased about having him on this week!

His info:
Age: 24
Location: California, USA
Website: Caleb's Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with the kiss

Caleb contacted us, which is always a good idea. We recommend that you do the same if you are as good an artist as he is. You just have to check out the artwork featured on this page to see that he's got quite the talent, so when he wrote to us, we said a massive yes after checking out his links.  

So, what does Caleb get up to besides drawing cool animals? "I just started working at my church as maintenance/cleaning this year, and everyone there has been incredibly patient and understanding as I pretend to know how to fix doors and order toilet paper. I’m very grateful!" I think that's a first, someone who works in a church on FML. I don't think they'd let us into a church, what with our blasphemous website-slash-app. What else does he do? "I’m so close to graduating from community college that I can taste it. My college has a great art and graphic design program so that’s been really helpful for the past couple of years." I'm guessing that he's always had the talent, the college just helped channel or develop it, or make it official, with a title. A talent like his will open a lot of doors, so if people out there are reading this and want to hire him, contact him via his Facebook page! Do it now! 

Where are you headed? What's your ambition in life with regards to projects and stuff? "Too many projects. I have several ideas for different comic series, some of which I’ve been working on for quite a few years now. With any luck, after I’m done with college and a little more free I’ll be able to work towards making some of those a reality. Cross your fingers for me!" Will do, and will cross any body parts we can.

Who or what made you want to start drawing? "II really can’t remember a time where I wasn't drawing! I was always big into cartoons and comics and I have vague memories of drawing things that resembled Donald Duck and Scooby Doo when I was little. I was basically locked into wanting a job in art even before I really knew what that meant. A lot of the things I liked as a kid are still big in my life today, the Disneys, the Digimons and what have you. Those were the things that got me fired up to draw and create my own characters and stories in the first place and they are the same things that inspire me to push myself today. How cool would it be to do the same thing, to inspire some kid to want to draw and make their own stories? Or what if one of my dumb comics helped someone through a rough time, taught them something or just gave them a bit of a chuckle? I think as an artist you have the potential to influence a lot of people, so even if I could just do that for a handful of people I think that would be pretty freaking cool. And if all else fails, I got to draw silly animals and I really can’t ask for much more than that." And pretty damn good ones, too. 

What are your day-to-day pleasures in life? What sort of stuff are you into? "If it wasn't clear already, I love kids’ cartoons. Those anime where the kids battle with pet monsters? I like at least half of them. The comics with the hotheaded kid that wants to become the greatest [noun] ever? Read a lot of those too. The game where you run around in clown shoes and hit things with a key? Be still, my heart. Outside of nerd stuff, I like staying up late and taking year long naps the next day, going to the beach but not actually getting into the water, and Taco Bell. I've been going through a phase of rediscovering bands that I already knew about, so I've been looping a lot of Florence + Machine, One Ok Rock and Fall Out Boy lately. Favorite movies include Guardians of the Galaxy and Wreck-It Ralph, but special shout-out to Monsters University for being a huge hit of motivation; It’s message of being happy even if life doesn't go the way you plan is one I come back to a lot. Even if I don’t hit it big with my art, if I keep working at it I can get somewhere I’ll be proud of." Hey, you're on FML, you can be proud of that. Or something. Maybe not.

Speaking of FML, do you have one of your own? "I had to open a gate for someone at work, but it had a lock on it and I had no idea what the combination was. When I told the guy I couldn't let him in, he looked at me and then calmly took the already opened lock off the gate. I basically get paid to not know how to open gates."

A final piece of advice for budding artists? "If I ever feel unsatisfied with my art or feel like I haven’t improved as much as I want to, I find it helpful to pick out an old drawing and do a quick redraw it! You’ll probably find that you've improved in some way since you drew the original, even if it’s something small." Notebooks out, everyone.

That's it for this week. Time to wind down, take a breather, go off and do something less boring than school or work instead. Kick a ferret around a field. Take a dump in the middle of a restaurant. Push a whining kid into some frozen peas in a supermarket. Life's what you make it as the excellent song by Talk Talk goes. I'll be up a tree, probably. See you next week.

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away!

#1518 - Illustrated FML - On 05/13/2015 at 5:59am by Alan - 8 comments

Roxane's illustrated FML

It's Friday, bitches. OK, strange start to an article but it got your attention. This week we've gone all emo on your asses because it's still that strange time of the year between spring and summer when the weather is a bit shit and can't decide if we should be wearing short sleeves or puffy jackets. When's this madness going to end? When am I going to get my bland, bandy legs a proper tan? We're all about uncertainty this week, the not knowing and the overreacting. Have you ever overreacted to something and then later thought you could've handled the situation a bit better? This illustration is for you. Intrigued? You should be.


"I like to draw sitting in an airplane hanger, in the cold air, smelling of kerosene."

Self portrait Roxane by Roxy


Roxane is a surprise guest. The surprise is also know as Roxy, La Rox, Ronron… Hmmm. She's beginning to remind me of someone I know.

Her info:
Age: 23.
Location: Paris, "but above all from Tours, Charente et Alsace"
Website: Roxane's zapblog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the lateness

I mentioned that Roxane is a surprise guest for a particular reason. We were supposed to be welcoming someone else, but for timing reasons, I wasn't sure everything would be in place on time. So, just to be sure we'd have something to publish, I contacted Roxane after K'Naye recommended her, and offered her the gig. Despite the rushed nature of the offer, she stood up in her living room, did that scoot salute thing and said, "YES, I'LL DO IT!" SO, she's here with us today, and she's done well. 

So what does Roxane do? "I'm a graphics designer and an illustrator. I love my job because it's first and foremost a passion of mine, and that means a lot!" A dream job, then. I guess everyone would like to make a living doing what they love. My for instance, I'd love to be paid to cuddle my cats, but the local job centre told me that there was nothing on their job description list that came anywhere near that sort of thing. Weird. So instead, I cuddle FMLs. So it worked out OK. 

We always seem to want more from life, so Roxane, what do you need? "Tony Stark's workshop, the drawing/illustration version, with all my beautiful cars displayed (displayed in my dreams more like)." OK, erm, can't you request something more along the lines of some nice crayons? My gift budget is quite crap at the moment.

What's your latest news? "I'm like her Royal Highness of Cambridge, I'm expecting a wonderful event in May; le birth of my website (! Speaking of which, I'm launching a range of birth announcement cards, so Kate and William, if you haven't picked any yet, don't hesitate to get in touch!" I know them personally because I'm part of the British Mafia and I've got some clout, so I'll give them a bell. 

As for her projects, she remains quite straightforward: "Open my website, live in luxury from my art. Draw, over and over and get to see my friends who live way too far away from me!" Let's hope that her plan comes together. If any prospective clients are out there, she was really on the ball when I asked her to do an illustrated FML, she was up like a shot. So if you need an illustrator to work on various projects, don't hesitate to get in touch, she's really efficient. vivre comme un pacha de mon art.

Who, what or who did you start drawing or made you want to draw? "It's one of the mysteries of my life, I don't know why all my life, since I was a little girl, I've drawn, drawn, eaten drawing, slept drawing. Meeting passionate people helped me throw myself headlong into drawings. There's also the people I met through their art, like Van Gogh, Hayao Miyazaki, Camille Claudel, Manu Larcenet..."

What are your day-to-day pleasures in life? "Dreaming about the next drawing I'm going to create, fully stretching my legs before getting out of bed, making some hot chocolate on a Sunday afternoon with a packet of chocolate biscuits. Besides that, in more extreme pleasures, jumping out of a plane with a parachute." And what about the artists you like? "There's K'Naye my old boss from when I was a trainee who taught me how to skateboard! There's also the wonderful cut-ups by Brittney LeeThe beautiful pin-ups by Maly SiriThere's so many..." It's K'Naye who put me in contact with Roxane, so I must thank her again for that!

A final piece of advice for budding artists? "You have to believe in yourself. Very often, no one will do it for you, unless you have parents like mine, who support you (love mum and dad) as well as a great bunch of friends (hey guys). You have to fight to reach your dreams, even if it means leaving the beaten path, and going down the thorn-infested, snake-filled path."

As they say, TFIF. Or, as polite people say, TGIF. It's a special Friday for many, seeing as it's VE Day, so France is taking a day off, England is nursing a sore hangover from an election, and most countries around Europe are remembering. So, for some, it's a long weekend. We'll get to sit around in our chic living rooms, play some groovy electro lounge music, and read magazines about architecture and technology. I'm getting my playlists ready. It's important to have playlists for a party. Serious playlists that no one will listen to because after about 10 minutes, a drunk dude will bounce up to the computer and say, "Hey, is it OK if I stick a YouTube clip on? OK cool!" (that guy will probably be me). Right, time to go outside! Be excellent to each other, and have a great weekend.

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away!

#1517 - Illustrated FML - On 05/08/2015 at 1:14am by Alan - 11 comments

Essa's illustrated FML

Yesterday was labor day in the US. FML is international, and and specifically US-centric, but we still sat around doing nothing because we'll take any excuse to do anything. We'll endorse any national vacation, religious holiday or ritual cleansing as an excuse to shirk or responsibilities. So the illustrated FML is being posted on a Saturday instead of a Friday, just because yesterday we were all sat around smoking doobies while listening to Pink Floyd and Kraftwerk in our undercrackers. We do work 365 days a year to provide you with shits and giggles though, because FMLs are posted each and every single day of the year. Yes, there are 365 days in a year, most years. So even on your birthday, we post FMLs. You're welcome. This week, we're delving into the murky underworld of pets and the assholes that they are. I know from whence I speak, because right now, a medium-sized cat is grizzling at me for no apparent reason from my lap, and making it hard for me to think of things to type. So let's move on.


"I'm the sort of person who tries to do a thousand things at once! And take the time to do my perineal re-education, as well..."

Self-portrait Essa par Essa


So, it was labor day. The good/bad excuse to do celebrate work by doing not a lot. But Essa doesn't hang around doing nothing. Let's take a look. 

Her info:
Age: 32
Location: Chartres, France
WebsiteSur un coin de page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the poo

Essa is her real name, I think. She does seem to have used to pseudonym, but then again, she might not have told me her real name. So she might be Batman, or Supergirl. In any case, in everyday life she's "an illustrator, but most of all the mother of 4 children for the moment." I don't know if that means that she intends on making more children, or if she's thinking of being something else than an illustrator, or both. "I was born with a pencil in one hand and a book in the other. I love creating, projects, dreaming and the discipline the job requires! I essentially work in the evenings, if not at night, as I'm a mother and a developing illustrator, I have to face up to challenges and better myself, and I love it!" Working on illustrations surrounded by 4 kids must be quite difficult, especially if they want to take part, but as a source of inspiration they must be great (cf. Bénédicte's interview, more of whom later in the month). 

How did Essa get to where she is today ? "I did a high school diploma in art, I went to college, which I found deeply boring, and I quickly entered the job market as a salesperson in luxury items, then a waitress, then hostess in an agency in Paris. It was my longest experience, but also the most fulfilling and stimulating! But the pace between work and home was exhausting, I was very frustrated because I wasn't totally there for my kids. And there was a sense of unfulfillment with regards to illustrating, I've got it my blood, it became obvious that I should give it a shot !" And what a great thing she did, because just looking at her illustrated FML and her blog, you can see that she's got talent, and can draw in several styles with ease. I was impressed enough to give her a gig on FML anyway.

As for her current news, she's quite the mother hen, but not just that : "I'm on a parental break, so my day is mainly focused on my 4 kids, but I also work on personal project, writing articles for webzines, orders from various people and I take part in reading committees. But I'm open to any offers." As usual, this column is a platform to advertise our illustrators, so if anyone needs Essa to illustrate something, don't hesitate to get in touch. She's got talent and imagination. As for her projects, she wants to, "continue to develop in my domain, to perfect myself, learn other languages and learn stuff! I love to learn, by any means necessary." 

Usual question: did something or someone make you want to draw?  "Disney's "The Little Mermaid". I cried from the emotion when I saw it at the movies, I was literally moved. I left the theatre saying, "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO!"" But... if you were literally moved, could you still see the screen? OK, sorry, shite joke. I just have a pet peeve about people who misuse the word "literally". You're literally using it in the opposite way it's supposed to be used. In any case, Disney will have launched loads of careers. The amount of mediocre rappers who have stolen their look from the Genie out of Aladdin is beyond the pale.

What do you enjoy in life? "Ah, I love life! I savour if, I bite into it, I get joy out of many things, I laugh a lot, often and everywhere! And there are 2 big things which take up a big place in my life: animal rights and spirituality. I've always been shocked and horrified by the suffering of animals. I've always picked up the distressed animals I've come across. Now, I've got 3 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues, and if I could, I'd have many more. And I'm really interested by a subject that's quite taboo and ridiculed (which is a shame): the survival of the soul of matter and the possibility of existence on other plains of consciousness, a vast and serious subject, despite what people might say..." Indeed. I must admit that it's not a subject that we come across very often in this blog, but then again I have trouble remaining serious about anything, except maybe the horrible day when Marathon became Snickers (people in the UK know what I'm talking about). As for animals, I can totally agree, since I'm mind-controlled by two cats who have set up residence in my house. 

Do you have a personal FML to share? "I have a big flaw: I'm always late for appointments. It seems that I have a mistaken appreciation of the passing of time, I don't know where I am, and no matter how hard I try, I always turn up late. Today, I have an appointment with the neurologist, it's an important appointment and I had trouble getting it. I get there right on time, almost 5 minutes early. Proud of myself, I present myself at the reception desk. The secretary stares at me, mystified and mute, then says, "Yes, you did have an appointment at 3pm, but the appointment was YESTERDAY. FML." I think the worst thing about this story is that the appointment was with a neurologist. Symptoms much? 

Any final advice for budding illustrators? "Be well informed before and during it! Work on your drawing, over and over again, get a network going and learn to take criticism and plans that don't pan out. Otherwise, I hear that naval yards are hiring." 

OK, we can go back to the weekend. Thanks Essa for taking part, it was brief but good. It's Saturday, so let's go out to dance to some old funk records that have been sampled 2948 times. Next week we return to our regular scheduled programming, I hope. Be excellent to each other and look both ways before crossing the street.

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away!

#1516 - Illustrated FML - On 05/01/2015 at 9:40am by Alan - 4 comments

FML's Question Time #2: School

We tried this before and it went pretty well, so here's another blog section for everyone to have give their opinion on a popular but controversial subject. OK, we're not debating a really controversial subject like the death penalty or how Ariana Grande managed to become so popular despite sounding like a boring font, but still, we want to hear (or read) what you have to say about this month's topic, since it's something that concerns quite a few of you. Take it away Pink Floyd.

To sum up the idea behind this column:  we'll be asking you a question every month or so, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with facts, anecdotes or something you overheard down the local pub.  What we are looking for are debates, exchanges and stories that'll set off more comments than a viral video of a guy tripping over a cat on a skateboard. There are no limits, feel free to express yourselves. 

This month's QOTM: 

Are exams elitist and stressful exercises? 
Is school simply conditioning us to
conform like robots to work in society?

To get the ball rolling, we've asked a few people to speak their brains.

"I hate exams. I was shit at all of them. I couldn't even pass my driving test, I crashed a Ford Fiesta into a wall and had a hissy fit." - Darth Vador

"Going to college and studying is really important, you have to learn from history because otherwise you are doomed to repeat it. A lot of young people these days are all over the place with regards to social values, they're ignorant about social struggles from the past and take everything for granted. You got any hummus?" - my neighbor, the sociology student 

"I could be a school. I am a school. I should plug my brain into the matrix and then everyone could learn to be me. Stay in school, kids. Don't do drugs; do Kanye." - Kanye West

You get the general idea. Tell us your worst exam stories. What you think of higher education. You've been to school, so how was it for you? What do you get out of it? If you're at school or college right now, what's it like? If you've got a massive amount of diplomas, is it easier to get a job? Or did you quit school at a young age and now run a successful business? Tell us everything, we want to hear about your life. This is FML after all.

Come on, procrastinate. It's Friday, work can wait.

#1515 - Ramblings - On 04/23/2015 at 10:52am by Alan - 149 comments

C comme Line's illustrated FML

The Artist's interview

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  • The Best of the Worst #20
  • Here we are in November! Winter is here, for most of us, it's dark, grey and depressing and if you're the kind of person who watches network news 24/7, you're probably going to need some cheering up.…

Monday 30 November 2015

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