Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML

by lolowills / 11/13/2016 at 10:20pm / Work

Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML

by _sourdiesel7 / 11/10/2016 at 6:39pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

RememberSchlitz's comment : My tribe has a proud sacred tradition of not being cannibals. Yours too? Yours? You too. Amazing. Everybody in this place is from a tribe that doesn't walk around eating other tribes. Except you, Marge.

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Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

by I have Flashbacks Now / 11/10/2016 at 4:15pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

by KnowledgableEx / 11/10/2016 at 7:42am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML

by ConfusedGinger / 11/10/2016 at 6:50am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

2016/11/19
The Illustrated

Illustration by S-Kro   Their interview

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

by CaddyWhack / 11/18/2016 at 3:57pm / Transportation

Today, Rudolph's nose burned out. I had to guide the sleigh. FML

On 11/18/2016 at 11:55pm
© DR

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

by Rekt / 11/10/2016 at 12:40am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

by Rosie J. / 11/09/2016 at 9:45pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

by knuckleheadknock / 11/09/2016 at 9:11pm / Work

bartsj88's comment : I'm confused as to how describing your boss as "rather large" had any relevance to this FML.

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Today, an older lady loudly accused me of masturbating on the public bus. I simply had my eyes closed and was twirling my hair. FML

superapple's comment : What hair? Your pubic hair?

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Today, at my first AA meeting, my best friend thought it would be funny to burst in drunk and tell everyone that I was the champion at beer pong and that there was a party at my place after my "quitter club" ended. FML

by joeker124 / 11/18/2016 at 12:55am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.