Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML
by Jpev / 05/11/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation
Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML
by anon mom / 05/11/2016 at 8:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
CheekyRaccoon's comment : You'd might want her to drink more water and have more fiber. I've heard soylent could do the trick. I wouldn't recommend green soylent though, because I've heard some bad stuff about it..
Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML
by yamuda / 05/11/2016 at 7:24pm / Ireland (Carlow) / Miscellaneous
Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML
by echo / 05/11/2016 at 2:59pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation
WinterChild's comment : Gee, I wonder why he has no money...
Today, at 11:30 p.m., after a 5-hour train journey to get back to Paris carrying a suitcase that’s 5 kg heavier than when I left, I decided to take a taxi. The driver yelled at me because the short journey to my place wasn’t worth his time, and told me to take the subway. Welcome to Paris. FML
by stop_crying / 05/11/2016 at 2:55pm / United States (California) / Kids
by belladonna1025 / 05/11/2016 at 2:49pm / United States (Arizona) / Work
by unboned / 05/11/2016 at 1:30pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
TheGolfGTI's comment : *Looks at location* Yup.
by Anonymous / 05/11/2016 at 11:53am / United States (Michigan) / Money
Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML
by annoyed / 05/11/2016 at 7:40am / Netherlands (Limburg) / Love
Today, my friend bought a new car. He left his old car at the dealership and asked me if I could go back with him, and then I'd follow him back to his house in his old car. That was fine, except he forgot to mention the car had no brakes. I hit his car. FML
by bumpercarmcgee / 05/11/2016 at 4:33am / United States (Arizona) / Transportation
Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML
by svsksosnns / 05/10/2016 at 11:59pm / United States (Washington) / Holidays
- Today, I’m teaching French in a university in India. One of the students asked me if Paris was the… Today, I couldn't get into my car. I got mad at the lock, and my key broken inside it. It wasn't my… Today, because I’m on my period, I asked my boyfriend to turn around so I could change my clothes.…