Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

by K. / 05/07/2011 at 1:38pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

by Cheerieful / 05/07/2011 at 12:26pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

by BCBUDDY / 05/07/2011 at 11:29am / United States (Florida) / Health

CryMoreFMLs's comment : It happens to the... um... what was I saying... Damn, I forgot.

See all the comments

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

by wtfiswrongwithher / 05/07/2011 at 9:56am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

ollie179's comment : what's her channel name?

See all the comments

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

by lawl / 05/07/2011 at 9:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

jennifer93's comment : you shouldve just dropped her off on her corner

See all the comments

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

by bigcityfail / 05/07/2011 at 7:54am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

by sillyfox4lyfe / 05/07/2011 at 3:08am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

by Kaz / 05/07/2011 at 2:40am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

by Anon / 05/07/2011 at 2:08am / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Intimacy

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

by Anonymous / 05/07/2011 at 1:58am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

by littlegirl / 05/07/2011 at 12:46am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2011 at 8:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

by in_pain / 05/06/2011 at 7:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health