Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

by BerkeleyBiker / 04/19/2011 at 4:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

by randa / 04/19/2011 at 2:38am / Kids

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

by norestforthewicked / 04/19/2011 at 12:30am / Health

Today, I was putting red nail polish on my nails and put a newspaper on the table to make sure that it didn't spill. I later discovered the nail polish made the newspaper stick to the table. I scrubbed nail polish remover on it, thinking it would help but instead bleached the table. FML

by Anonymous / 04/18/2011 at 11:44pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

by MyS3lf / 04/18/2011 at 10:33pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

by Jukka / 04/18/2011 at 8:48pm / Animals

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

by samikai523 / 04/18/2011 at 4:25pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

by waterdog / 04/18/2011 at 4:12pm / United States / Work

Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML

by nurseITHINKNOT / 04/18/2011 at 3:24pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

by alissa_roar / 04/18/2011 at 1:54pm / United States / Love

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

by Wendie / 04/18/2011 at 12:10pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML

by davka / 04/18/2011 at 11:09am / Work

khaya's comment : Stab wounds only accepted. Company policy, don't fight it.

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Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

by sllaggy / 04/18/2011 at 5:34am / Intimacy