Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

by dumped / 06/05/2011 at 1:17am / United States (Utah) / Love

BrittanyPernell6's comment : what a screwed up loser he doesn't deserve you or your little girl

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Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

by longlostkid556 / 06/05/2011 at 12:14am / United States (California) / Love

CasualZombie's comment : is your dad Peter Griffin? and are you by any chance named Meg?

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Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

by wooowmom / 06/04/2011 at 9:10pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML

by Burned / 06/04/2011 at 8:54pm / United States / Love

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

by Anonymous / 06/04/2011 at 4:42pm / United States / Miscellaneous

JacksonCampbell's comment : How'd that work out for you?

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Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

by A / 06/04/2011 at 3:48pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

by Flarewolf / 06/04/2011 at 2:09pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend went on a date with her mechanic. She said it was to get discounts when she goes in for maintenance. Not only does she not see a problem with it, but she's probably getting discounts on other services too. FML

by hcflorence1 / 06/04/2011 at 1:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML

by TMI / 06/04/2011 at 12:41pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

by missbutthole / 06/04/2011 at 9:07am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend's band has become quite popular on YouTube. My friends and sister won't stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him, and go on to say how much better off he is without me and how horrible I am. FML

by guttedgirl / 06/04/2011 at 7:35am / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Love

Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML

by maribel / 06/04/2011 at 7:27am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

by Clumsyblonde22 / 06/04/2011 at 7:22am / United States / Animals