Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2011 at 4:19am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

by AE86Turbo / 05/03/2011 at 1:22am / United States (California) / Transportation

jquibell's comment : why didn't you just show him the last number dialed on your phone? I'm sure that a cop would know the local police phone number

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Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

by armywife980 / 05/03/2011 at 1:01am / Kids

Today, I came across an old man sitting on the pavement with a bottle of beer in one hand. He was crying. I thought I would be a good Samaritan and see if he was okay. After 15 minutes of hearing about how much his life sucked, he mugged me. FML

by kimftwxox / 05/02/2011 at 10:24pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

by wtf1234 / 05/02/2011 at 9:41pm / United States / Health

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

by missmirror / 05/02/2011 at 7:00pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got pulled over. Suspicious that I'd been drinking, the police officer made me walk a straight line and recite the alphabet. I failed both. I was completely sober. FML

by spekledworf / 05/02/2011 at 5:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

xviem's comment : that's what you get for being a dumb ass

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Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

by beaverless / 05/02/2011 at 4:26pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, some kids stole all four wheels off my car. They were nice enough to leave a note and some money though, "for the bus". FML

by teinage / 05/02/2011 at 2:47pm / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Transportation

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

by hornyloser / 05/02/2011 at 2:46pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

by Asirual / 05/02/2011 at 2:02pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2011 at 1:43pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

by MathTeacher / 05/02/2011 at 10:30am / United States (Missouri) / Work

cptmorgan15's comment : Tell that bitch.

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