xxtouch

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About Xxtouch

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The list of badges to find

Xxtouch's favorite FMLs

Judgmental much!?

By Stairway2Heaven - 02/03/2009 21:03 - Canada

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 687

You deserved it 19 459

Back in 2009…

By awkwardgayboi - 11/03/2009 18:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 944

You deserved it 92 897

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 756

You deserved it 19 215

By soooyeah - 30/04/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 534

You deserved it 83

Bad omen

By blairheir721 - 17/05/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asked where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in Psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly, and said, "Yeah, that's what my degree is in too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 515

You deserved it 8 880

By karmasabitch - 17/05/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 005

You deserved it 313 072

By honeymoondisaster - 23/05/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 235 116

You deserved it 26 151

By i.ask.you.how. - 12/07/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, a friend of mine told me that he knew I was into kinky sex, "like getting tied up." I just stared at him, spluttering simple question words and wondering how on earth he could possibly know that about me. I then realized that he had been joking. Too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 925

You deserved it 20 702

By Girafarig - 31/07/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 281

You deserved it 44 898

By Stars - 04/08/2009 16:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date night down a dirt road to a field in the middle of nowhere. He packed some blankets, a bottle of wine, and some condoms. He didn't know the dirt road was actually a driveway until all of our clothes were off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 786

You deserved it 13 430

lilwhitey tells us more.

lilwhitey 0

Wednesday 5 August 2009 2:26

We have been together for over 9 months, and it was actually a very romantic date. He is one of the best guys I have ever met, and I couldn't be a luckier girl!

By twingirl - 14/08/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 855

You deserved it 4 167

By NotCuteEnough - 24/08/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 613

You deserved it 7 772

By Sarah - 25/08/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 699

You deserved it 10 435

Easy

By pokie - 30/08/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 959

You deserved it 9 466

By newlydumped - 21/09/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 653

You deserved it 64 568

By rhythmbandit - 09/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 217

You deserved it 4 109

Kinky

By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower. Instead, I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 302

You deserved it 10 382

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 198

You deserved it 4 135

Blackout

By squishy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 145

You deserved it 51 984

Perv

By niquey62307 - 08/12/2009 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years we've been married. He slaps his sausage and smokes 5 cigarettes while he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 387

You deserved it 5 807