Aujourd'hui, un passant m'arrête dans la rue afin de commenter l'abondance de mes taches de rousseur et me demander si je suis naturellement rousse. Ce sont des points noirs. VDM
Aujourd'hui, ma fille de 5 ans, un peu difficile, a dit à un policier qui lui montrait ses menottes : "Je m'en fous, ma mère a les mêmes en mauve." VDM
Aujourd'hui, en me "retirant", j'ai trouvé drôle d'imiter le bip d'un camion qui recule. Ma femme m'a alors dit : "Tu sais, sur les petites camionnettes, il n'y a pas ce genre d'alarme." VDM
Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML
Today, my coworker was supposed to pick me up to go to a work event as my car is broken. I waited 3 hours and he never showed. After he arrived late to the event due to traffic, he told my boss that he waited for me and I never came out. Guess who's unemployed now. FML
Aujourd'hui, mon mari, ne trouvant pas de chaussettes propres, en a lavé une paire. Et pour les sécher plus vite, il a allumé le four, a mis sa paire de chaussettes dedans et l'a oubliée. Elles ont pris feu. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je sors de chez l'esthéticienne et en rentrant chez mes beaux-parents dans la chambre d'amis, je dis à mon mari : "ça y est, ma foufoune est toute belle !" Je n'avais pas vu mon beau-père qui était juste à côté. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai surpris ma grand-mère au lit avec mon mec. VDM
Aujourd'hui, ma fille est en pleine crise d'adolescence. Ce matin, quand je lui ai dit : "Passe une bonne journée !", elle a hurlé : "NE ME DIS PAS CE QUE JE DOIS FAIRE !" VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon adorable cousin de 5 ans me demande si je suis allergique parce que j'ai des boutons. J'ai tenté de lui expliquer que c'est à cause de l'adolescence. Résultat, il croit que je suis allergique à l'adolescence et le dit à tout le monde. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon mari se demande où, et avec qui, nous serions si nous ne nous étions pas rencontrés. Après réflexion, il conclut qu'il aurait peut-être une "vie de rêve." VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon copain m'a appris que notre fille à naître allait avoir un petit frère de 3 mois son cadet. VDM
Aujourd’hui, j’ai à nouveau fait le même cauchemar où mon chéri me trompe et me quitte. Au réveil, il m’annonce qu’il en a marre de mon manque de confiance en lui et qu’il a trouvé une femme qui ne doute pas de lui. VDM
Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML
Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announced over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML
Today, I was working at Coldstone. When a customer tips us we are required to sing. A late night DJ came in, put 20 dollars in the tip cup, and asked to hear every song we had. After we sang one song he looked at me and asked me to please stop singing or he was taking his money back. FML
Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML
Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML
Today, my husband and I were at a wedding. When the DJ announced that the bar was open, my hubby was the only one to RUN to the bar while the other husbands stayed behind to dance with their wives, eyeing us in a weird way. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML
Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML
Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML
Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML
Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML
Today, a DJ friend of mine offered me a part in one of his tracks. I was flattered, and accepted. All I ended up singing was, "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch" over and over again in the background. FML
Today, I dressed up sexy to cheer up my boyfriend after a bad day at work. Instead of being cheered up, he accused me of dressing up that way for the male DJs at the radio station where I work. FML
Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML
Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML
Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
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