Aujourd'hui, nettoyage de la cage de mon hamster. Voyant que j'ai oublié un chiffon je retourne en chercher un. En revenant, je m'aperçois que la cage est restée ouverte et mon hamster n'est plus là. Après des heures de recherche, je me rends aux toilettes, je tire la chasse. Toilettes bouchées. RIP. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je dis à ma copine, étudiante en environnement, que je ne pourrai jamais la tromper avec une autre. Elle me répond : "T'inquiète pas, de toute façon y'a que moi pour recycler les déchets." VDM
Aujourd'hui, serveuse dans une brasserie, j'accepte exceptionnellement qu'un homme utilise les toilettes sans consommer car il est particulièrement poli. Il m'a retapissé les murs avec ses excréments. VDM
Aujourd'hui, c'est l'été, je me baigne dans une piscine. Après 10 minutes de nage, je sens mon portable dans ma poche de maillot de bain. VDM
Aujourd’hui, mon frère a demandé sérieusement à ma mère si l’on pouvait devenir stérile en mangeant des croquettes pour chats stérilisés. Mon frère a 15 ans. VDM
Aujourd'hui, étudiante fauchée, je viens de me faire voler 300 €. Je venais de recevoir cet argent de mon assurance, suite à mon cambriolage. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai 19 ans et c'est ma première fois avec ma copine, ma première fois tout court en fait. Lors de l'acte, à peine 2 minutes après avoir commencé, rupture du frein. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je pars en vacances à 600 kilomètres de chez moi et je décide de faire du covoiturage pour m'y rendre. À ma grande surprise, mon ex se trouvait là. C'est lui qui conduisait. VDM
Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML
Today, I went on the large bungee drop at the West Edmonton Mall waterpark. As I was falling, my bikini top came off. I had to wait for the bungee rope to stop moving and the life guard to release the ankle strap. FML
Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML
Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two month-old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww, your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year-old girl. FML
Today, I went to the waterpark and my kids were fighting so I grounded them both. We concluded the day by boogey boarding on a mechanical wave. There was so much water I didn't realize my boobs had completely fallen out of my bikini. As revenge, my kids didn't tell me. FML
Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML
Today, my friends and I planned to go to a waterpark together. However, due to a "miscommunication," I, and only I, was given both the wrong time and the wrong meeting place. I spent three hours sitting in a parking lot in little more than my swimming suit. FML
Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML
Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML
Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML
Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML
Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5 a.m. FML
Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML
Today, my previously blond boyfriend dyed his hair dark brown and shaved his beard. When he got home, I thought he was an intruder and screamed. Now he thinks I don't love him because I didn't recognize him. FML
Today, while I was out for a walk, a little boy asked if he could try on my prosthetic leg. Being as nice as possible, knowing that he probably didn't understand, I told him no. He screamed and his mum coldly told me I'm a terrible person and should have let him try it on. FML
Aujourd'hui, je quitte une boîte de nuit avec une fille. Arrivés chez elle, nous allons directement au lit. Elle s'avère être très bavarde et bruyante au moment d'atteindre l'orgasme. C'est le voisin qui m'a encouragé en tapant au mur et en criant : "Vas-y, fais-la jouir qu'elle la ferme". VDM
Aujourd'hui, je fais mon pot de départ après 6 mois de stage, croissants, pains au chocolat, bonbons, tout est là. Sauf mes collègues. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je reçois mes amis pour une soirée que j'organise. L'un d'entre eux, assez radin, m'a offert à ma stupéfaction une plante verte. Je me suis aperçu quelques heures plus tard qu'il s'agissait en réalité de la tête d'un ananas plantée dans un pot en terre. VDM
Today, my date for this weekend called and asked if he could bring his possible new girlfriend on our weekend getaway as well. FML
Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML
Aujourd'hui, alors que j'essaie depuis longtemps de publier mes textes, je fais lire à ma sœur une ébauche que j'aimerais présenter à un éditeur. Après un long silence, elle m'annonce : "Si tu veux espérer être publié une fois dans ta vie, tente sur VDM, tu auras plus de chances." VDM
Today, my best friend and roommate has decided to "stop being controlled by society" while at home. This involves him walking around naked, masturbating whenever he wants, and not cleaning up his guys. I've stepped in it three times already. FML
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