thatretard95

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About Thatretard95

im retarded dumbass.

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Consolation prize

Your FML was denied. We had to at least give you a badge to cheer you up a bit.

50 favorites

Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already added 50 FMLs to your favourites list!

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You have left your thumbprint on 2500 comments.

The return of the thumb

You have thumbed 5000 comments.

Keen reader – Level: student ninja

You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Keen reader – Level: master ninja

You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Keen reader – Level: godlike ninja

You have voted for 100% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

One more and it's business time

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Thatretard95's favorite FMLs

Lisp

By Megan - 23/02/2009 16:47 - Canada

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 990

You deserved it 5 496

By Kitty - 23/04/2009 08:54 - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me he needed to reconsider coming to see me for financial reasons. I'm the one paying for the airfare, giving him a place to stay, and covering his expenses while he's here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 116

You deserved it 6 829

By ttsutaoka - 11/07/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 088

You deserved it 2 791

Romantic

By robinhoood - 12/07/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 205

You deserved it 13 573

By harrysolo - 19/07/2009 01:26 - United States

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 590

You deserved it 65 231

A good yanking

By Gordon - 22/07/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed, naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opened the door and walked over to me, swinging her hips, wearing practically nothing. At about four feet from me, she tripped on the edge of the floor mat, and used my junk to catch herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 788

You deserved it 6 774

Just go

By MitchFail - 23/07/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I'm "so hot". I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds, "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply, "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 751

You deserved it 74 163

By FedExMan - 11/08/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was delivering packages as usual for work. I was dropping off a large letter to a hot girl. Before I turned to leave the girl opened her mouth to say something. Instead, she just vomited all over me. Her letter was my first delivery of the day. I had to finish my job covered in puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 743

You deserved it 2 636

Motherly love

By anonymous - 12/08/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 286

You deserved it 6 045

By Anonymous - 12/08/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 852

You deserved it 3 302

By ahhahaha - 12/08/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 52

ahhahaha tells us more.

ahhahaha 0

Wednesday 12 August 2009 17:25

Okay this is my FML and to address everyones comments- yes the name candyman was thaught of and is used. And I can't believe only one person figured out that it's simply a midlife crisis issue. And yeah, I put it under kids for a reason. It is FML because I can't use it against him cuz he's too much of an ass. And for another reason that will be posted as another FML. Thank you and goodnight

By SomeDJ - 12/08/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 115

You deserved it 46 917