26 years-old
Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML
Today, my son's obsession with memes hit a new low when he got suspended from school for running into other students yelling, "Allahu akbar." He's 15 and doesn't understand why he got in trouble. FML
Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML
Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML
Today, while working as a truck driver, I decided to enjoy my lunch break in a park. Within minutes, I was shat on by a bird. On my way back to my table after cleaning myself off I saw birds swooping down to my bag and stealing the rest of my lunch. I have no food left and didn't bring my debit card. Only 14 hours of driving to go. FML
Today, I was lectured about how emotionally immature I am by someone who, afterwards, promptly threw a chair out of anger. FML
Today, my parents got mad at me because I laughed when they called the bullseye "bonsai" while watching darts. They've always thought it was bonsai. FML
Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML
Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML
Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML
Today, I woke up in pain. After passing out multiple times I stumbled, terrified, to my mom's room for help. She thought I just wanted to stay home from school so she didn't bother waking me up and left me on the floor. Thanks mom. FML
Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML
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