Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML
Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML
Today, I bought an "I love my boyfriend" t-shirt so people wouldn't think I'm single. I'm very single. FML
Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML
Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML
Today, I learned that there's nothing quite like coming downstairs in a t-shirt and panties, only to discover your fiancé has a bunch of his friends over. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML
Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML
Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML
Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML
Today, I had a job interview. The moment I walked into the room, the interviewer said, "OK, I will interview you, but there is no way I'm hiring you." FML
Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML
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