Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML
Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML
Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML
Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML
Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Today, while at the bakery section of my local supermarket, I heard the beat of what I assumed was a song playing. I really got into it, and bobbed my head and danced a little. After getting some strange looks, I realized the "beat" was a machine mixing frosting. FML
Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML
Today, I had to console my drunk dad over his girlfriend breaking up with him. When he said, "You know why we broke up don't you?" I replied, "Yeah, you were fighting a lot, right?" Wrong. I then had to explain to him that his erectile dysfunction wasn't something to be embarrassed about. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML
Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML
Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML
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