Keivono314

Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

Freudian slip

Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML

Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when I got bored and started surfing the Internet. Little did I know that my desktop was being shared. My boss was on the call and saw everything. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

Today, I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, the smell of bacon in a frying pan, and some dickhead trying to pick the lock on my front door. FML

Nice try, chief

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

Training

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

Collector's items

Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines had been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

Nature is healing

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

Use the force

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML

That old switcheroo

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

The hypocrisy burns

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML

Today, in health class we were watching a documentary about anxiety. My teacher asked if any of us often feel anxious. I was too anxious to raise my hand, and went into a minor panic attack. FML

It's getting hot in here…

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

Panic on the streets of Hanford

Today, I got my foot stuck in the car seat belt. I kept pulling to loosen it up but it just kept getting tighter till my foot was in the air, so I started panicking and eventually started crying. My boyfriend had to pull over and save me from a seat belt. FML