Somewhere , in America 32 years-old Single
Today, I got a call from a man yelling and cursing at me, calling me a "selfish no-life asshole" for getting his "baby girl" pregnant. I'm 29 and she is 27 and we have been married for 3 years. FML
Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML
Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML
Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML
Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML
Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML
Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML
Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML
Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML
Today, I realized that the guy I've been sending anonymous, dirty emails to knows who I am. My signature, which includes my full name, was automatically added to the end of every email. FML
Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML
Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML
Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML
Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend to stop tickling me, since I absolutely hate being tickled. He got extremely pissed at me and left the room. It took me a full five minutes to realize that I'd called him by my ex's name. FML
Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML
Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML
Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML
Today, after spending time with my daughter and painting her nails she gives me a hug and says, "Mommy I love you, but I love daddy much better!" FML
Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML
Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML
Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, I was walking on the beach when I tripped. I was about to land on a kid's sandcastle, so I tried to dodge by leaning left to avoid it. Before I hit the ground, I noticed the many rocks I was heading for. FML
Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML
Today, I was sitting waiting for my train for a long while. When it finally came, I had pins and needles in my foot. When I got up, I fell and unsuccessfully stumbled towards the train. The doors closed and it left without me. FML
Today, my dad came home and said that he was so inspired by hip hop dancers on TV that he decided to take a hip hop dance class. He signed up for the class that my girlfriend teaches. FML
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