Miss Seattle, united states 30 years-old Single
Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said, "See you in a decade." FML
Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball… right into her face again. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML
Today, I was standing by the bed, naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opened the door and walked over to me, swinging her hips, wearing practically nothing. At about four feet from me, she tripped on the edge of the floor mat, and used my junk to catch herself. FML
Today, I stood in line for one hour to get a new phone. It then took me 2 minutes to drop it and shatter the screen, and 2 seconds for the employee to look at, laugh, and tell me, "That Sucks." FML
Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML
Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML
Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML
Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML
Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML
Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML
Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML
Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML
Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML
Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML
Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML
Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML
Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML
Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML
Today, I was having a driving lesson. I ended up driving so badly that my instructor asked me to stop the car. Not so he could explain my mistakes to me, but so he could get out and vomit. FML
Today, I went to visit my great-grandma. I saw that her dog had this red fluid on his ear, so I asked my grandma about it. She said she put red finger nail-polish in his ear so she could tell the difference between 'all' of her dogs. She only has one dog. FML
Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML
Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML
Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
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