New York, America 38 years-old
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML
Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML
Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML
Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML
Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML
Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML
Today, while my mom was out, my family agreed upon the assumption that she has a "shopping problem." I argued against it for quite a while, until she pulled up minutes later with a what seemed like a life-time supply of canned condensed milk. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML
Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML
Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML
Today, I realized the guy I like is not deaf. This would normally be good news. However, for the past two weeks I assumed he was deaf after seeing him use sign language. I've been openly talking about him within earshot. FML
Today, I got a brand new couch. My husband told me to keep our puppy off of it so we could keep it nice. She jumped on it, and as I picked her up to put her back on the floor, her claws dragged across it and ripped two of the cushions. FML
Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML
Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML
Today, I took my daughter to the library instead of the pool. I sat her on the counter and, while I reached for my library card, she turned to the librarian and said, "We didn't go to the pool today because Mum has hairy legs." FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML
Today, our airplane was delayed because of issues with the de-ice-ing. Then, because it had too little fuel. Then, because of engine troubles. Then, because our first officer needed to be replaced due to legal restrictions on pilots' hours. Now, I get to go straight from the plane to work. FML
Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML
Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML
Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML
Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML
Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML
Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML
Today, I received a call while at the dispatch station for the Naval hospital I work at. It was a woman having a panic attack. Apparently, she couldn't plug her vacuum in, and was more or less freaking out. I had to take her in anyway. FML
Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML
Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML
Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML
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