Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML
Today, I'm at the ER because my 13-year-old nephew ate an aromatic candle that smelled like chocolate. He saw it on my dresser and actually though it was chocolate. FML
Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML
Today, I was running late and realized I had locked my keys in my car. Frantic, I threw a rock through the drivers side window to retrieve them, just before noticing the passenger side door was unlocked. FML
britters89 tells us more.
yes, I definitely failed..... I had an exam at 10:00 and thought it was 11:00. Professor locks the door at the beginning, and I would have failed the class if I was late. Fortunately, my brother repairs windows, so i ended up getting it fixed for free :)
Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML
Today, I was dining out with some friends when a hot guy on the table next to us smiled at me. Flattered, I smiled back at him several times. On his way out, he laid a napkin with his number at my table. I didn't notice, too busy looking at the yellow dress and the pink pumps he was wearing. FML
iselilja tells us more.
iselilja 0
ok ok, OP/badatgenders (and no, I'm not making that my average FML name) speaking, after reading all of these comments I feel like 99% of you got it wrong: THIS WAS NOT A TRANSVESTITE MALE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. THIS WAS A WOMAN (probably a lesbian), WITH A MALE-ISH FACE. My friends (who thought this was hilarious) googled the phone number and turns out; her name is Linda. So, you christians and atheists and every other religious/not religious member of this website; peace and love! no need for fighting here, ok? SHE was also wearing a black blazer with heavy shoulderpads, so I didnt see the dress until she stood up. Maybe I should have guessed, but I was half-drunk, and honestly believed it was a guy. The tables was set up in a way that made some of the view blocked by this shemale's friends and so on, blah blah blah. I did not notice the phone number at first when she walked out, since I was too shocked over the fact that I thought she was a guy, but I saw it after that she and her friends had left. Any more questions? Thanks for calling me an ignorant ass and a dumb ****! I totally agree guys, I probably need some glasses. But bye bye! I gotta go. My friends are spreading this all over facebook and my father (friend at facebook, strangely enough) are wondering if his daughter has becomed a lesbian, after all. Later!
Today, I went to withdraw some money out the bank. On a windy day. Next minute, woosh, my money was gone. My last $20. FML
Math is hard.
Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML
Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML
Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML
Today, I went skinny-dipping with my best friend. We were on the beach and it was fairly crowded but we got in the water at this really secluded area. While we were swimming I looked up to see a homeless man wearing my clothes, walking away. FML
Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML
Today, my brother told me that wanting a break by having one evening away from my son makes me look like a really bad mother. My son is three and hasn't been babysat since he was an infant, and I've been a single mum for the last 8 months. I just wanted some time to recharge. FML
Today, I learned I made the dean's honor list for my college for the first time since attending. I asked my dad if he was proud of me, to which he replied, "when you're as successful as your brother, I'll be proud." My brother is a Chippendale's dancer. FML
GracelandDave tells us more.
Okay, just made my profile. One of you asked what my degree will be in. Right now I'm working on a B.S. in Animal Science and will be trying to get my DVM after that. Also, my brother is a male model and has done a lot of work, but tried college for 1 year. All of you who think this is fake, it WAS exaggerated but what he truthfully said was insinuating that my brother is successful and I am a waste of air until I get my degree. My dad isn't an asshole, but my brother does seem to be his golden child. Honestly, I am not bothered by the comment my dad made, I just found it to be funny when he said it. It is true that male models and Chippendales dancers can make a TON of money, but my brother is not at that level exactly. He is doing a stage production of Chippendales (www.herecometheboys.com). I'm very proud of him, and as for the ladies wanting his number, I'm sorry, he's married. Thanks for the remorse, the empathy, and the doubt. This site is fun, right?!
It'll get better. Eventually.
Today, I found out my boyfriend accounts for my being late all the time whenever we go out. For example, he will ask me to be ready by 7, knowing I don't actually need to be ready until 7:45. He was so good at it that it's taken me 6 months of dating to notice. Am I insulted or impressed, I don't know. FML
Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML
Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML
Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML
Today, after house-sitting for a week, I came home to find the house in which I rent a basement suite has all but burned to the ground. My landlord didn't even bother to tell me about the fire. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML
Today, instead of my boyfriend calling me 'his Kit Kat' like he normally does, he called me his 'Kit Kat Chunky.' When I asked him why, he said it's because I'm now 20% chunkier. FML
Today, I went to a coffee shop. As I headed over to stand in line, I tripped over my own feet. I got back up, then tripped up yet again. Everyone was staring, and I was so mortified that I went to leave. I then struggled with the door under their glares before realising it opened the other way. FML
Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML
Today, the guy I had a two-week long fling with and got pregnant by (while on birth control I might add), and who disappeared more than a decade ago after I told him, showed up at my door, demanding shared custody of my daughter. While he is her biological parent, she’s never met him and was terrified. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML
Today, I came home to find my fiancé trying to do laundry. His version was "rubbing the smelly spots with baby powder". Looks like I'll be the only one doing laundry for the rest of our lives. FML
Today, I refused to let two students into class because they were 15 minutes late. It turns out they were late because they had gone to buy me a birthday cake. FML
LimeyGoodteeth tells us more.
I am the original poster. It was an adult ESOL class. School policy - strictly adhered to - is that students can't be admitted if they are more than 5 minutes late and all students know this. Lateness is disruptive and disrespectful to other students. We all eventually had the cake later anyway!
Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML
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