Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML
Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the driveway, hitting my leg, and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML
Today, I'm thirteen and I don't have a social life, because my parents started homeschooling me in the second grade. FML
Today, months into supporting my mum with her part time cleaning job by cooking dinner for my large family after university, I found out that she doesn't actually have a job, she just leaves the house for a few hours because she doesn't want to cook dinner. FML
Today, I tried to rent the new Aladdin with my '90s obsessed war vet roommate. Thirty seconds into the opening credits, he begins screaming that the movie is trash, and then rents out the original. He re-rented the new one and trashed it the whole time, ranting that Jasmin should be beheaded for speaking over a man. FML
Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML
Today, I sat in my boss's office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML
Today, I was having an in depth discussion with my girlfriend's father about how corrupt journalists are and how our town's paper is the worst paper on the planet. After insulting basically everything about the newspaper, I asked him what he did for a living. He's the editor of the newspaper. FML
Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML
Today, my boyfriend was trying to describe his feelings. I asked him if he felt any emotions other than "anger." He went to get a beer and never came back. FML
Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML
Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML
Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML
Today, I found out I have syphilis. I only slept with one person in my entire life, my boyfriend of 2 years. When I told him about it, he burst into tears and said, "It was one time at a company party" and "Maybe if you put some Vagisil or something, it will go away." Seriously? FML
Today, my wife of 12 years told me she would be more peaceful if I just killed myself. I argued that I’m not going to, but she assured me that I would. It’s just ‘when’ that’s in question. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend of 25 years, who doesn't believe that her boyfriend raped me, unfriended me on Nintendo Switch online. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML
Today, my son rejected a job offer because it interferes with the streaming schedule of some Twitch dirtbag. He's 19. FML
Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML
Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML
Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, "BINGO, BINGO!" I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said "Stand up." The girl was a dwarf, and she was standing up. FML
Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML
Today, I went to a baseball game. It was windy, so I decided to get my hat from the car trunk. When I opened it and reached in, loose papers started flying everywhere. Panicked, my dad slammed the trunk shut on my fingers. Entering the stadium, I discovered it was free hat day. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML
Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML
Today, I have a friend who has consumed almost every known drug in our country, but refuses to get the Covid vaccine, claiming that, "it contains the 5G, and I won't let them control me." FML
Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML
Today, I researched how to manage chronic tailbone pain from excessive sitting. One of the most consistent pieces of advice was to lean forward when working. My posture is already so bad, my chiropractor says I'm one of his worst clients of all time. I work a desk job. FML
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