The Top

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Weird movie choice

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 00:01

Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 389

Conflicting emotions

By Anonymous - 22/04/2025 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down some stairs and broke my ankle. At the hospital, a nurse asked how far along I was and boom, one ultrasound later, I’m actually pregnant. I had to then convince multiple doctors that I did not in fact throw myself down the stairs trying to cause miscarriage before they’d let me go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 91

By 8sq - 11/06/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 623

You deserved it 16 363

Close, so close

By perpetuallyscrewed - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 352

You deserved it 2 252

Thank God for that

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 02:01

Today, after helping my grandma to clear out and renovate her house, she tells me that the only reason she doesn’t hate me is because God will hate her if she does. All because I threw out a pack of biscuits with an expiry date of Nov 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 88

By iJuli - 08/04/2012 05:17 - United States - Billings

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be a good idea to break up with me in his car. I had to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 472

You deserved it 2 692

Haircare protip

By Anonymous - 09/06/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 555

You deserved it 51 194

By SleeplessInSoCal - 09/08/2010 06:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 128

You deserved it 3 312

By Too manly - 20/03/2013 04:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 581

You deserved it 4 548

By Marian - 23/03/2009 19:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 773

You deserved it 9 073

I hardly know you

By Disgustedafffd - 02/11/2023 20:00

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband’s obsession with Hentai. Dozens of pictures and videos of half-naked Japanese anime girls. The most horrifying thing was the fact that he’s actually in a sexual relationship with his secretary, who is a petite Asian girl. I’ve just given birth to our second child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 206

Oh no…

By Somethingswrongwiththispic - 05/08/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 207

You deserved it 47 021

By Anonymous - 17/03/2013 19:09 - France - Minzier

Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 381

You deserved it 4 314

By screaming monkey - 04/04/2012 10:13 - United Kingdom - Whitton

Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 313

You deserved it 2 126

By KillMeNow - 06/06/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 268

You deserved it 12 176

By asshole - 02/10/2009 05:34 - United States

Today, I sat to the right of a girl I really like. I passed her a note asking her to homecoming. She read it, then hurriedly passed it to a hideous girl sitting on her left, who said yes, then hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 208

You deserved it 12 470

The cat's out of the bag

By OldUglyWife - 18/07/2022 12:00

Today, I found out why my husband hasn’t invited me to his company’s summer social. Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want me to know of the fling between him and his attractive young coworker. Her age is the same number of years we’ve been married, 19 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 142

Stereotypes

By Anonymous - 01/10/2009 09:42 - United States

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc., and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personalities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 048

You deserved it 10 391

Gotcha good

By Anonymous - 08/05/2025 22:00 - United States

Today, tired of my roommate’s constant stealing of my food, I decided to get back at him by hiding a small amount of hot sauce in his sandwich, thinking it would be a funny prank. When he took a huge bite, he immediately started choking and running to the bathroom. I later found out he's allergic to spicy food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 180

Holiday blues

By Anonymous - 30/07/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. We flew 2000 miles, got off the plane, got our bags and stood outside the airport for our ride. She looks at me and says, "I can't do this anymore." So, she broke up with me and flew back home. Now I'm on vacation alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 364

You deserved it 4 041

A very compassionate defence…

By Jennifer - 19/05/2021 22:01

Today, I’ve been summoned to court because I found some homeless people living in a house I bought to renovate, and my brothers and I threw them out. Apparently even though it’s my property, they had some bullshit squatters rights. I can’t believe the courts are taking their complaint seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 428

By YellowKettleBell - 02/04/2014 02:21 - United States - Houston

Today, I have pink eye. Four weeks ago I had scabies. I'm an elementary school teacher, and I'm apparently under attack from biological weapons: my students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 033

You deserved it 4 405

YellowKettleBell tells us more.

YellowKettleBell 31

Wednesday 2 April 2014 23:45

Op here....unfortunately, many kids don't come from homes that are clean and hygienic. That's especially true in economically disadvantaged homes, from which most of my kids come. Some I can tell don't bathe or wash their clothes regularly. Yes, this is my first year. Many teachers said they had similar experiences starting out.

By GTR - 02/06/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a car. After just ten minutes, my hub caps had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 274

You deserved it 3 338

Shaky

By RWW - 28/07/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 663

You deserved it 7 523

Save Me

By bad doc - 01/10/2019 04:00

Today, I had to repeat myself multiple times and dumb down all my anatomical terms and symptoms while describing my illness to my doctor. I want to switch, but my insurance won’t cover another one for at least 60 more days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 455

You deserved it 167

Wait til he finds out about the Wonderbra

By Fattie - 14/11/2023 20:00

Spicy

Today, I was getting ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. I wear shapewear shorts to keep my FUPA and thighs under control, so when I removed those, he recoiled and said, “Fuck that shit, what happened to your body?” He promptly dumped me for “catfishing” him and told me to leave his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 688

Duh…

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 101

You deserved it 4 195

Creepypasta

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 06:06 - United States

Today, while I was working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good… you left a nipple." and slowly licked it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 729

You deserved it 3 686

Jeremy

By alicia75 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 606

You deserved it 3 637

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 214

You deserved it 2 525

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 486

You deserved it 6 907

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 078

You deserved it 31 150

Today, I caught my sister taking money from my wallet. When I confronted her, she claimed that she was actually putting back money that she had stolen earlier. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 265

You deserved it 302

Today, my family got mad at me for installing toilet paper going under instead of over. Considering I'm the only one who fills the empty spool, I thought that it wouldn't matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 433

Today, I was haunted by the knowledge that my father watched me slit my wrists without doing a damn thing or batting an eyelid, but when I took the steak knife to the breadboard to release my tension, he was so upset, he took the dog, drove to the east coast, and spent the night in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 733

Today, I've been seeing a therapist after more than 20 years of struggles. I think I saw him cry during our sessions a few times. I guess that my inability to live my life at the fullest was hard earned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 159