Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, the medication I’ve been taking has caused me to become constipated for so long I'm now unable to go, because all my poop is a solid mass in my bowels no stool softener can touch. So a surgeon is either going up my ass with a hose and a spoon, or cutting open my stomach to remove it. FML
Today, after being constipated for four days post-surgery, I have gotten diarrhea. It doesn't actually help getting the hard plug out, but it has found slow passages around it, so I’m still left to my own devices. This is not the kind of gold I’d like to be digging for. FML
Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML
Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML
Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML
Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML
Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML
Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
+1 for describing it as "small child wrapped in barbed wire". I think that really adds to the imagery
kiran_fml 5
Maybe you should ask for an alternate medicine if they offer it.
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Comments (183)
chimocho 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Well that sucks... Didn't realise codeine made you constipated though. I'm allergic to it so it just makes me vom...
Senseless_487 29
Any opiate will constipate you after using it for a while.
DocBastard 40
Actually any narcotic can cause constipation immediately.
Birdie_Sage 0
1 effect for the screaming monkey but 2 effects for the red hair. Ok, nice story, bro. My advice for the both of you is get as faaaar away from codeine as possible! Who knows if you're gonna vomit and constipate on person!
_Oblivion_ 12
Holding your shit in on a person huh?
Llamacod 11
Well then you are not actually.allergic to codeine, as doc bastard will tell you codeine is very commonly hard on the stomach and vomiting is a very common SIDE EFFECT but not an actual allergy. Now if you got a rash or hives or your tongue swelled up that's another story entirely
Senseless_487 29
Wait, let me get my popcorn. I don't want to miss doc's response!
Pandacupcakelove 26
31- That bird again! Why does he always get thumbed down? =(
prepayedtank 0
I'm allergic to it too, it just pretty much kills me
prepayedtank 0
I'm allergic to it too, it just pretty much kills me
DocBastard 40
Senseless_487 - Sorry to disappoint you, but Llamacod is right. A lot of people tell me that they are allergic to certain medications because it makes them vomit. That isn't an allergy, it's an intolerance. There is a world of difference: an allergy can kill you, an intolerance can not.
BeccaHugs 17
No one cares. If you're not directly commenting on ops issue what makes you think we would want to read about your vomiting? Get the **** out.
_Oblivion_ 12
Stfu, no one gives two ***** about what you think. It's a legitimate conversation about narcotics. If it wasn't necessary on here mods would have deleted it.
musicluvr2000 11
Thank you for sharing that, 1
zebu344 6
oxytocin induces labor...
cryssycakesx3 23
I love opiates and sadly this is a very brutal side effect.
Eskimidget 6
Are you confusing oxytocin with oxycodone or just making an irrelevant comment? ._.
kiran_fml 5
Maybe you should ask for an alternate medicine if they offer it.
Feared 9
Oxytocin. Or is that for the other side?
Nevereverland 8
I think this the only case where you'd want to have diarrhea! Get well soon OP.
DocBastard 40
Oxytocin is for inducing labor. You're probably thinking of oxycodone which is a stronger narcotic compared to codeine and can cause more constipation.
Feared 9
Yeah he said that it was like trying to pass a child, so I thought a labor inducing hormone would help haha
DocBastard 40
*turns humourometer back on* Sorry, I forgot to do that today. My apologies, Feared.
mcaisse77 17
Actually, pitocin induces labor
muzy 23
It's a shame that pharmacogenomics are taking so long to map out. On the plus side we'll probably be laughing about it in 60 years :D
djsamixin 3
How long did your med school last? Just curious cause im considering getting my degree in pharmacology and it is usually a four to six year period plus continuing education. I'm on a cell, and new to the site. don't know how to im you. Plus I got suspended from this site for a minute. :-P
sierra142 19
More than one drug induce labour.
rcgirl2 11
Hope you feel better OP. :) And you should take Miralax. It softens the stool so it makes the poop easier to come out.
micahsmommy 13
No Miralax, TEA! Oolong or pu-erh tea. Oolongs help with digestion and pu-erh teas are a natural laxative. Why do people always try to fix one medicine's side effect with another medicine?
josiemorehouse 12
I take oxycodone for ankle and back pain, and have the same problem. Miralax doesn't work well for me. Try eating more fiber, taking fiber supplements, drink plenty of fluids, and try some dried prunes or prune juice. Much more gentle for pain-med constipation. Sorry, OP, it sucks!!
southernbelle_rn 16
Micahsmommy, it's not always good to mix herbs or teas with medications. You never know how they'll respond. They should have prescribed you a stool softener to help. Don't push too hard or else you'll be in more trouble that you started out with.
micahsmommy 13
122- There is a difference between medicinal herbs and teas with benefits. Oolong teas naturally have digestive and metabolism benefits but yes you do not want to mix it with say Miralax or a medicine that will do the same thing because it would've overkill.
C_A_M_E_R_O_N 0
FYL
Just_ol_Kole 0
FYC. **** your comment.
kocoman500 2
NSS; No Shit Sherlock
micahsmommy 13
6- There is a button to press for that. Comments are for additional information.
WCARlover 35
+1 for describing it as "small child wrapped in barbed wire". I think that really adds to the imagery
kateRAWR 4
I guess OP now knows how women feel when giving birth!!!!!
MistressCaitlyn 7
24, do you often give birth to children wrapped in barbed wire? Because mine didn't come with that option.... Seriously though, in my opinion, the two types of pain can't be accurately OR fairly compared. Every labor is different - I lucked out with my first born... I hardly needed any medication. My friend, however, required an epidural early on, and she typically has a higher pain tolerance than I do.
ModFactorZer0 2
reminds me of the article a number of years ago where a columnist described his experience with a colonoscopy...they both had me rolling.
AwkwardPartyBear 24
7- I've never heard of someone giving birth through their ass, either.
AwkwardPartyBear 24
I meant 24. Sorry 7.
C94_ 0
Lol. Op that totally made me clench my cheeks. Sorry hope u feel better
YourHuckleberry 0
Actually, child birth is the perfect thing to compare colon surgery to. I've had three children, only one labor going smoothly or easy. And I have also had colon surgery. Barbed wire babies is an incredibly apt description of how it feels to have even a normal sized bowel movement after that kind of surgery. And diarrhea is no walk in the park after that kind of surgery either, which I suspect OP will find out after they OD on stool softeners or Milk of Magnesia like I did. It simply changes the pain from barbed wire to the flames of Hades himself. OP: Sitz baths, sitz baths, sitz baths. Get a good long series of movies or a TV show you can watch in your personal hell that's going to last a lot longer than your surgeon told you. Try to find that perfect amount of stool softener or Milk of Magnesia that will make things more bearable. And lastly: Lidocaine is your best friend. If you haven't been prescribed any, call your surgeon's office and get some as soon as possible!
Goatinsfriend 8
Well, as one time my mom said: "If you need to shit, eat McDonalds, that stuff goes right through yah!".
koreyketchum 1
Taco Bell is more like it!
dubzta 1
That must be quite the shitty situation...
WCARlover 35
It's funny how people still try to do these puns:)
dubzta 1
It's all ***** and giggles until someone gets mad for something old..... Kinda like its all ***** and giggles until you start to crap out a baby covered in barb wire
fuzzbuck1 4
Now Butt sex will be easier ;)
perdix 31
I don't know about easier, butt the penetrator will certainly get a big surprise for his efforts.
Nevereverland 8
Butt sex easier? I dont think so especially when theres a barbed wired baby involved!
natureboyn 6
Awesome response. I was actually taking a poop and couldn't stop laughing.
florido_fml 10
And I thought I had a problem today....
KeyboardWarrior 10
That honestly sounds terrible. I was going to make a joke about that but wow. Ouch.
youjustmademelol 4
That sounds extremely painful. I would go to the doctor you might undo the stitches an... * shivers