Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML
Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he stopped and got dressed. Naked and confused, I figured he’d be right back. Yeah, 20 minutes later with a plate of food for himself. So much for sex. It would've been nice if he told me though. FML
Today, it's just another day where my dad sits in the same spot in the kitchen for 12-16 hours, only to very slowly sip on alcohol and nibble on food. If it’s his day off, that’s his excuse. If he got off work, then it’s also his excuse. Twenty odd years of this. How can someone spend their entire life sitting in one spot? FML
Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML
Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML
Today, I was in a shoe store. I picked up a shoe so I could look at it, but when I put it back on the shelf, the whole shelf fell down, making all the shoes fall to the ground. The people behind the counter started clapping. FML
Today, I left my student in charge of locking up because my wife was sending me risqué texts during a thunderstorm. When I got home, the windows broke and the living room got flooded. I then found out that my student didn't lock up properly and all my art got soaked. Everything got wet except me. FML
Today, at work, I put on a smile and went to take an elderly gentleman's order. He looked at me, asked if I'd stick a finger in his sweet tea to make it sweeter, then complained that it was a shame I wasn't "on the menu". FML
Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML
Today, after making love to my boyfriend, I went upstairs to shower. After turning it on, I found a huge pimple on my leg and the prospect of popping it excited me more than my boyfriend ever had in bed. FML
Today, I get as much time with the woman of my dreams as I do with my children: One day, every two weeks. She lives with me. They don't. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment. He started coming on to me so I pushed him away and said, "No chance." He said "Well, I'm horny, so I'm gonna take care of it myself. Can you go home now?" FML
Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting stood up, I found out that even 80-year-old Charles Manson is engaged to be married. FML
Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, as a prank, my friends put a big bucket of water on my door so that it would spill on me as I exited my room. It would have been funny if I hadn't been holding my $900 laptop as I was walking out. FML
Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML
Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt… into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML
Today, my mother refuses to acknowledge my girlfriend and refuses to accept the baby she is carrying as her real grandchild, all because my girlfriend has tattoos, which apparently makes her a "whore", so the baby could be from any other guy except me. FML
Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning were actually poison oak. I can only see out of one eye, and I'm virtually unrecognizable due to the facial swelling. FML
merissa22 tells us more.
Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML
Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I’m thinking of proposing to you in December." FML
Today, I found out that not only did I get the best blowjob of my life on New Year's Eve, I also got gonorrhea. FML
Today, my husband was home past his usual departure time for work, so I pointedly asked if he would be late. He said he called out sick. I stared at him, wide-eyed in disbelief, as he said he "wanted to relax in the yard with a book." He's completely lost his mind. FML
Today, I listened to my roommate and her friend struggle with their math homework for an hour. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that I'm a math major and repeatedly offered my help. They'd rather fail math than be around me. FML
Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML
Today, I checked Facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML
Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me until I get my tubes tied. We both agree that we don't want children, but this seems to be an exaggerated reaction since he learned that most birth controls are not 100% effective. FML
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