The Top

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Woof woof

By kjdhfakjs - 20/05/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 474

You deserved it 6 717

By bilol - 27/02/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'd be going on a trip to Europe. I assured him that I would never cheat on him with any European guys. He replied with, "Why would I be worried? You're not very pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 996

You deserved it 6 920

Porch piracy

By Denofthieves - 16/09/2022 16:00

Today, I received a text saying that a package had just been delivered to the house. By the time I reached the front door, it had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 116

Cats > Babies

By Anonymous - 11/02/2020 14:00

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning, he spent two hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after five minutes, then five minutes after that he was playing with the cat again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 440

By Anonymous - 27/01/2014 20:55 - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 551

You deserved it 5 221

By nick - 12/05/2010 09:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 297

You deserved it 6 002

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

By cacheson - 05/03/2020 03:02

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 754

You deserved it 137

No kidding

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 22:01

Today, I congratulated my best mate and his wife on their third pregnancy in three years. It then dawned on me that they've had sex more times in three years of marriage than I have had in six years of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 261

You deserved it 260

By anonymous - 26/01/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 229

You deserved it 5 657

By HotCurry - 05/09/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 194

You deserved it 3 540

Neverending story

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 11:01

Today, it's my birthday. We were supposed to be going to a nice Italian restaurant at 6.30 p.m. Instead, the whole region is going into a snap lockdown from 6 p.m., due to the recent community transmissions of Covid-19. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 00:10 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 884

You deserved it 25 903

By Anonymous - 18/04/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 654

You deserved it 8 244

By retard99 - 21/03/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 352

You deserved it 53 420

By michael - 14/02/2012 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 195

You deserved it 42 048

Bad timing

By Proprepourtant - 16/04/2011 11:28 - France

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 988

You deserved it 12 584

Romance isn't dead

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 02:01

Today, it's been six months since I gave birth, and no matter how many times we've tried, my post baby body just doesn’t arouse my husband anymore. We still love each other, but for him to get a boner these days he has to watch a few minutes of porn first then keep his eyes closed during sex so he doesn’t go soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 170

You deserved it 216

By anonymous - 11/02/2012 05:57 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 013

You deserved it 5 649

By sophie - 13/04/2011 16:36 - United States

Today, my teacher told me I wasn't pretty enough to play the princess part in the play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 812

You deserved it 5 767

Not now!

By Adam - 16/03/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 363

You deserved it 5 194

Catwalk

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was trying to walk in heels. My mom then started cracking up, saying I looked like a baby giraffe learning to walk just after coming out of the womb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 237

By ManInTrouble - 16/03/2010 04:50 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 718

You deserved it 4 538

By Noname - 19/02/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 633

You deserved it 8 872

By Anonymous - 15/01/2013 20:56 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, after a long, horrible day at work and some fighting with my family and my girlfriend, I decided to cheer myself up by going to McDonald's for a change. I burst into tears when the cashier told me they couldn't make me a Mars McFlurry because they'd run out of ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 978

You deserved it 8 609

Constructive criticism

By Anonymous - 26/03/2020 08:02

Today, I had just finished a really intense workout in my garage gym. It was chilly outside, but I crossed the road home in my shorts, as I was still pretty hot and sweaty. A woman walked by and asked, "Aren't you cold, you skinny little whore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 077

You deserved it 283

Stop the steal

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 16:01

Today, my son admitted to maxing out my credit card, gambling on a some scam website that a dumbass streamer was promoting. He's only 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 086

You deserved it 427

By Madzison - 06/02/2012 10:08 - Australia

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 022

You deserved it 4 709

By KC - 17/02/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 458

You deserved it 4 407

By wetdreams - 05/02/2012 00:35 - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 201

You deserved it 3 207

Such a weird move either way

By 1337fade - 07/04/2011 05:19 - Denmark

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 316

You deserved it 9 753

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The Top

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 006

You deserved it 3 366

Today, I was in the changing room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 380

You deserved it 3 502

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 153

You deserved it 27 637

Today, like every day, my coworker showed up thirty minutes late, sat down for thirty more checking email while I got the morning work done alone, listening to her bitch about how much she hates her job and wants to go home. My coworkers criticized me for being moody, and praised her for being the best. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 123

Today, I pulled up to a party with my friends. I never partied in high school and college due to being bullied, so I was excited for my first party. It turned out to be a college house party, I'm a little older by 3 years but it’s no big deal. They mistook me for a freshman and I was bullied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 162

Today, on our first wedding anniversary, my husband confessed that he had tried to leave me at the altar and only went through with it due to my dad, brothers, whiskey, and drowsy cold medicine, but now tat he’s given it the old college try and lasted a whole year, he wants a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 66