Today, my fiancé's ex-wife thought it was perfectly acceptable to give herself a part in our upcoming wedding. She wants to "give" him away to me, the same way a father does to a bride. Apparently, I'm being unreasonable and selfish for denying her request. My fiancé told me to at least think about it. FML
Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML
Today, my parents think that I don't understand all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table, "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML
Today, I was in a hurry trying to get into my locker, but it stuck. After a few frustrating attempts, I finally managed to get it open. In anger, I threw the door open, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. My natural reflex was to jerk forward, giving myself a black eye from the hook inside. I got in a fight with my locker and lost. FML
Today, I had a virtual interview for my dream job. Prepared as f**k. One of the interviewers turned out to be my ex, who I dumped for being too dumb. FML
Today, artwork that I had been working on for months was destroyed, leaving me almost in tears. The culprit? A lonely pigeon who'd got into the room and shat all over it. FML
Today, after a little detective work, I found out the money that recently went missing from my college fund was transferred by my mother, to her own account. She claims it's to pay a parking ticket. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I didn't know they fined people over $3,500 for a parking violation. FML
Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to cuddle as we usually do. To prepare for this, the first thing I always do is dive into bed. This time, I felt something squishy under the covers, and screamed when I saw it was a Fleshlight. FML
Today some young teenager nervously approached me, saying he’d done a drawing of me, and that I could have it if I wanted, then he ran off blushing. I thought it was cute until I saw the picture. It was me and him in extraordinary detail, having anal sex, with a dildo up my vagina. FML
Today, I got cited for "internet plagiarism" and called to the dean's office. I'd been sitting a closed-book written exam, and my teacher had been breathing down my neck the whole time. FML
Today, I found out that the landscaping job I started three weeks ago is actually for an illicit business run by a hippie who pissed away the entire payroll to fund his drug habit. He has no way of coughing up the $900 he owes me. I'm broke as hell, and my electricity is now going to get cut off. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML
Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML
Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML
Today, in my tidy, small-town neighborhood, I parked my car 50 metres further back from my usual spot just across from our house on a half-empty public street, because it was taken. Apparently, someone didn't appreciate this. So much so, they put a used condom under my windshield wiper. FML
Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML
Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gunpoint, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML
Today, I ate the last Hot Pocket in the house. My little brother threw a temper tantrum and poured a bucket of water all over my desk and Macbook. My mom’s response? “Aw he’s just a little boy.” My brother is 13. FML
Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML
Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML
Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML
Today, after ordering at a restaurant, the waitress suddenly began acting like a bitch to me, for no apparent reason. I later found out why: most people who order that particular meal tend to argue and whine about the price. I wasn’t going to. FML
Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. Thirty minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML
Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML
Today, my boyfriend died. I was crying in my room when I heard a knock on my door. I thought it was my mom coming to comfort me, but instead she yelled and screamed at me for doing the dishes wrong. FML
Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML
Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML
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