Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML
Today, I met a guy in a bar. He was sweet and funny so I asked him out for coffee later. He quickly turned me down, saying that I didn't even meet his first requirement. His first requirement was "looks like a girl." FML
Today, I spent a good 30 seconds licking my husbands' penis all over before I drew back his foreskin to really start going to town on it, only to discover that under the head was covered in his stinking knob cheese. I threw up three times. He’s an adult man and can’t wash himself properly. Pig. FML
Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML
Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML
Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML
Today, after the most stressful two weeks of my life, I finally found a few minutes to sit down with a relaxing cup of tea. I went to take a sip, sneezed, smashed the mug into my nose, and dumped scalding hot tea all over my face and cleavage. FML
Today, I had to have a very unfortunate conversation with my young daughter about homophobia and bigotry, after the neighbor said she can’t play with her kids anymore. My daughter mentioned she had two mommies, me and my platonic best fiend who’s her godmother. My poor baby is still inconsolable. FML
Today, I learned that there's nothing quite like coming downstairs in a t-shirt and panties, only to discover your fiancé has a bunch of his friends over. FML
Laneyyenal tells us more.
I'm the OP and it wasn't a huge deal as you all are making it out to be for me. A friend told me I should post it here to see if it got published. I'm not fat, and the only hair I have is what's on my head...If I had known the guys it would have been different, but these were guys that I have never met before. And its easy to not hear what's going on downstairs when the TV is on and the guys are all getting high, so there's no extra voices going on. I don't generally parade around in little to no clothing...but to each their own. Way to make this a way bigger deal than it needs to be people...
Today, I got home and found my babysitter furious and my 5 year-old exhausted from crying. Normally he chooses to wear Disney princess dresses but today his grandma came for a visit, saw what he was wearing, told him he was bad, and forced him to wear trousers. I’m ready to kill the bitch. FML
Today, every time I practice my synthesizer, without fail, my stepmom decides to make as much noise as humanly possible. Slamming doors, stomping around in her loudest heels, dropping weights, screaming, you name it. I can hear her through my noise cancelling headphones and I can’t focus. FML
Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML
Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I hate having to pay $12 for valet parking. I parked at Walgreens across the street in the only spot without a "Patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML
Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML
Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML
Today, we were at a wedding reception. I had to explain to my husband why it’s inappropriate for another woman to dance with her butt gyrating on his crotch. He insists it was “harmless dancing” and to stop being a “party pooper.” FML
Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML
Today, I came home, raced upstairs, and yelled to my roomie that I'd found some blow for the party tonight. It was only after he left his room and punched me that I remembered he had a virtual interview today. FML
Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML
Today, my roommate got mad at me for putting away the tampons that were sitting on her desk. She rebelled by hanging hundreds of tampons dyed red from every surface in our dorm room. I discovered this while giving my mom her first tour of the place. FML
Today, I caught my underage daughter selling naked pictures to internet sickos. Trying to stay calm, I asked her why. She said, "Should I go work at McDonald's for pennies? I've made over twelve grand in three months selling pictures of my tits." FML
Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML
Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML
Today, a telemarketer called and asked if they could speak to my "Mommy or Daddy." I'm 25 years old. FML
Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML
Today, I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He responded, declining by telling me he never drinks coffee. We met at Starbucks. FML
Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago, my four year-old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML
Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML
Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML
Today, I was stalking my ex-husband’s Facebook. He looks so happy with his new, supermodel-perfect girlfriend who he left me for. She’s everything I’m not. I kinda regret giving birth to two kids and my body changing forever. He’d still be with me. FML
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