Today, as I woke up early to do my physics homework, I heard my parents talk about how big a disappointment I am for them. They discussed how stupid, immature and how big a burden I was. They knew I was listening. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML
Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML
Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML
Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML
Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML
Today, I was shopping with my friends and I got asked by a man if I could be in one of his commercials. I obviously said yes without thinking twice. I then found out that he wanted me to be the before picture for an acne control moisturizer. FML
Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML
Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on, over drinks we get talking and I explain how I came out to my friends and family. When I ask him how he came out, he replies that he isn't gay, and oh, did I think this was a date? FML
Today, my friend bought a new car. He left his old car at the dealership and asked me if I could go back with him, and then I'd follow him back to his house in his old car. That was fine, except he forgot to mention the car had no brakes. I hit his car. FML
bumpercarmcgee tells us more.
Update: the breaks weren't really a big deal at first because I didn't have to use them all that much until I got to the freeway, and on the freeway you can just kinda let up off the gas to slow down, especially at higher speeds/less traffic. I just remember noting that the breaks felt a little weird, but I was mostly just focusing on trying to stay behind my friend and not get lost. I attributed that weirdness to how certain cars probably feel and drive differently. I just remember at some point after noting the "weird" breaks I had the morbid thought, "heh, you know what'd be terrible is if the breaks went out." But yeah, breaks became a huge deal the moment I got off the freeway. Turns out they actually worked like 25% of the time and you just had to "double-pump it, dude!" Tbh it's a god damn miracle I made it as far as I did and I narrowly avoided several collisions with other vehicles just trying to get his car to his house. Funny enough, I rear-ended his car literally a block away from his house. I do think the situation is morbidly funny in a way, but it was mostly ******* terrifying. Driving without breaks has this terrifying effect of making you feel like you yourself have nerve damage or something. Like my brain is like I'm doing it! But the electrochemical signals relaying that message to your muscles just kinda got ****** up somewhere along the way.
Today, I went to buy some frozen yogurt. I filled up a cup and the cashier rung it up. The total price was $6.92. I only had $5 in my wallet. So I gave her the $5 bill and went to my car to get more money. Little did I know, there was no money in my car. So I drove off. Leaving the $5 behind. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I called him about two minutes after, and he'd already fallen asleep. FML
Today, after doing inventory at my job, I was approached by a co-worker who I had always thought was cute. I tried talking to her, but it was hard as I kept trembling and stuttering from spending two hours in a meat locker. Now she assumes that I'm "special". FML
Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML
Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML
Today, after a long shift at work, I got home feeling sick and nauseous. I went to remove the tampon I'd had in all day and go to bed, but I literally uncorked myself. There was blood everywhere... on the floor, all over my legs, even on the walls. Everywhere I look, I find more. FML
weirdfridgelady tells us more.
Thanks for support and backup. Because I am aware of the risks of TSS but I just simply didn’t have time to change my tampon, and yes I had a pad also. Also the first time it’s happened to me, so just a bad and very messy day, I’m usually much more hygienic with those sorts of things.
Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML
Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML
Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with, "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML
Today, at work, I served a customer who looked so much like my grandma that I thought it actually was her. Then I remembered she died 6 months ago. I had to serve customers with a smile on my face while choking back tears for the rest of the day. FML
Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML
Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML
Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML
Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML
Today, I spent a nice night with the guy I’ve been madly crushing on for the past year. When he went to the bathroom and left his phone unlocked, I looked at his photo album and saw photos of my house, my room, me sleeping, and my naked body. FML
Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML
Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML
Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML
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