Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I overheard my husband admitting that he doesn’t wash his hands after having diarrhea. I had no prior knowledge of this. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML
Today, I found out I'm the only one in my family to wash their hands after they use the bathroom. FML
Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't, he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML
Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML
Today, my wife bitched at me for not washing my hands before handling the dishes. The dirty dishes. That were sitting in a sink of hot soapy water. According to her, the dirt from my hands was gonna make the dirty dishes even dirtier. Huh? FML
Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that he hasn't showered in over a week because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that he can't remember the last time he took a shower. He then told me he doesn't see the "need" of taking showers. FML
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Top comments
dreamering 16
Tell him that you never wash your mouth after a *******.
miz66independent 1
tell him everytime he shakes hands with a man he's shaking their penis too.
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Comments (56)
moosemonkey1000 6
grodyyy
flockz 20
sounds like your a little paranoid huh?
the_ace1337 0
He reminds me of the late George Carlin " I only wash my hands when I get shit on my fingers, and that happens like twice a week tops!" hahaha
anjelicjazzy 6
tell him you never brush yur teeth. nd he can never tell because the odor from his hands is overpowering
aprilmayjune93 0
I wouldn't hold his hands anymore
Iamnotmyself 17
Psh, washing your hands, I thought that was for the soviets, just like toilet paper.
flockz 20
well everyone know girls dont poop. now all the girls need to know that guys keep their hands in their pockets the entire time when they go to the restroom because we men have pants that unzip themselves and toilets that flush automatically and even doors that open with a password only known to men. so we men dont need to wash our hands for any reason at all. ladies u just need to catch up.
flockz 20
did the trolls all have a meeting and decided to attack this thread? one second every comment is thumbed up and then i refresh the page and every comment is thumbed down by like three or more votes... keep going trolls i still love you! :] (btw for anyone who didnt know yes i was ******* joking in both of my previous posts no need to go all apeshit and rape the downvote) :l
Iamnotmyself 17
-40 I will give the trolls attention by requesting oral sex from them and calling them what the cool kids refer to as "Douchebags"
flockz 20
iamnotmyself- you are a cool kid i grant u permission to use the term "douche bag". im now going to get off my high horse now. *steps down*
Iamnotmyself 17
-42 But just like the OP, I'm so paranoid, I'll wash my hands, what I'm try to say is if I'm given this much power, I might even request more oral sex and calling more people Douchebags... I don't think I could take the great responsibility with great power.
flockz 20
then you are not a true eagle scout and i must take back your "i can say douchebag yay" badge. im sorry but you are not prepared for that type of insults yet. in time you will be im sure.
Iamnotmyself 17
-48 As you wish, master Flockz
flockz 20
good boy, now fetch me a sandwich lol
austinkiser 3
u might want to specify the type of sandwich u might get a cockmeat sandwich haha
dre_bro11 12
Iamnotmyself, if you're going to get flockz sandwich from subway, be sure you don't ask for the sub with avocado...
Jammy01jams 2
When I Piss at a urinal I don't wash my hands. Why? Our penis is tiny in comparison to the huge urinal. Why would you need to aim? Just unzip, spray and pray. Not touching anything.
nateb1tch 1
In reality, the males sexual organ is actually far cleaner then anywhere else on the body. Unless he got fecal matter on his hands, he made his wee-wee dirty.
Iamnotmyself 17
-69 Reality sucks let us be free!
shannon1029 4
whoah. I never knew you could reply to a comment of a comment. this made my day!
CommonSenseKarma 17
I lick my paws clean and I haven't died yet.
steveakafranxy 7
#62 trolololololololololol
steveakafranxy 7
I put all those "lol"s so autocorrect wouldn't ruin my comment : (
AmazingLadyy13 0
Haha, hilarious!
davizv 0
Well, u feel gross, but think about it. chances are, u only touch ur clothes pulling it down, and if ur a male ur private part. what does that touch? nothing that gives germs
minichamp116 8
Your penis is tiny anyway..........LOL
minichamp116 8
@67
hayliepoche 5
just buy him some grem-x it's much easier!
FiestaInMyPants 8
Getting rid of gremlins won't help OP's problem, unfortunately.
natas_fml 13
Unless the true reason OP's dad doesn't wash his hands is because he's afraid of the gremlins under the sink.
natas_fml 13
husband*
redbluegreen 41
Forget gremlins, it's the gnomes you have to look out for.
spacemanspiff78 7
he's obviously just trying to build immunities, sort of like booger-eating
thinkucandance 0
Seems like she would have had to find something like that out before marrying..but, maybe not
BeatlesObsessed 12
I hope he doesn't make you food.
WIZchild 0
ur from israel...cant waste water
b70valkyrie 0
say hello e coli!
error0987654321 2
That's not even close to how you get E. coli.
b70valkyrie 0
http://www.aboutkidshealth.ca/En/News/NewsAndFeatures/Pages/E-coli-Protecting-Family.aspx please note, "found in the gut of humans" and "wash hands thoroughly"
lunalight 0
dump him
JesusFishTaco 5
Please die.
kirbsterrr 5
That is not a legitimate reason to dump him.
knocking 0
Of all the legitimate reasons to break up with someone, not washing their hands enough isn't one of them. I definitely don't think it's something a couple should get DIVORCED over.
1215116a 14
Dude, they're married. It would take a while to 'dump him'.
swittig 0
I see what you did there, dump him for taking a dump and not washing his hands
Masift 21
you can't just ******* "dump" your husband. it's marriage not a ******* high school relationship
Javalounge 0
pee on your hands and smear it all over him
ariannaimelda 7
what the ****?
JesusFishTaco 5
That be nasty as helllll.
iLoveBoobies21 0
7 - I'll shit in my hands and rub it in your face for leaving such a lame ass comment.
dreamering 16
Tell him that you never wash your mouth after a *******.
amaya726 4
How do you marry someone and not have found this out beforehand?
anothersuicide 0
well idk, maybe she doesn't always follow him into the mens room?
thatnucca 36
I guess now it's your turn to be paranoid...