Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML
Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML
Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML
Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML
Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML
Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I face-planted. I was going to say "Fuck you" and "I will kill you." It came out as "I will fuck you." He's still laughing. FML
Today, a guy grabbed my ass at the mall. I whirled around and went to sock him. He ducked and I accidentally hit the elderly woman standing behind him in the face. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. FML
Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML
Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML
Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML
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Top comments
Dre27 20
Did his girlfriend dump him for being gay? A man tearing another mans asshole sounds a bit strange.
revan546 24
I believe that would lead to said tearing of a new asshole
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Comments (56)
joeyl2008 29
That's when you say "it's not my fault you are a loser."
revan546 24
I believe that would lead to said tearing of a new asshole
Mystery_Unsolved 16
That's asking for an ass-whooping.
thevelociraptor 31
Ass tearing**
Dre27 20
Did his girlfriend dump him for being gay? A man tearing another mans asshole sounds a bit strange.
buster113 15
She found out about his bank account
Quackadoodledoo 13
Or his lack of bank account.
sizzlemcfizzle 13
He didn't say that he'll tear his current asshole, he said he'd make him a new asshole
RenoTheRhino 30
Just tell him the guy behind you said it.
JBChristian 47
More than likely that's the first thing OP said.
Chewiebhz 15
And if that doesn't work, punch him in the face real hard. Or call the bank security to throw him out?
sweetbliss3 37
I agree. but the pansy behind him should have just said it out loud. I don't understand the whole "coughing" thing. if you think it, say it; if you can't admit it, keep your mouth shut. regardless, I hope everything got situated.
JMichael 26
Should of called the police
junkman6 22
Should have* What exactly would calling a cop solve? Screwing the poor bastard over a little more maybe? Save OP from a little verbal abuse and some shoving? No, the cop wouldn't get there in time to resolve that. Also who has time to sit around and wait 20-30 minutes for a cop to waddle in and spend another hour writing a report?
HersheySquirts 17
(911) "What is your emergency?" (OP) "Im going to have a new asshole ripped in me, because some guy thinks I called him a loser! (911) "...........ok? An officer will be there shortly. Please stay calm." (911) " I will send paramedics."
SmoothPancakes 10
Maybe, but shoving someone, especially repeatedly, could be considered assault, depending on where you live. If I was OP and the dude didn't back the **** down and stop shoving me around, yeah, I'd be pressing assault charges. **** him. He may have just gotten shat on by a chick, but I'm not gonna give him a free pass to be a raging ass. He can enjoy his free car ride and complementary stay at the local bed and breakfast.
kinky44 28
Shoving someone is battery, not assault. Learn this, please.
bobdaguy 2
Why do so many people say should of? It makes no sense at all.
LexiDaBae 17
Because using the contraction should've can sound like should of, I guess.
fergnasty 14
Don't be a pussy and stand up for yourself. If the guy doesn't believe someone else said it and stays aggressive at you, kick his ass! Guy probably got dumped for a reason...
XBurytheCastleX 25
You should have grabbed the asshole behind you by the shirt and said "it wasn't me it was this mother ******." And push him towards the guy. Well, that's what I would do.
mrwilsong 6
He has anger problems , that's probably why his girlfriend left him in the first place.
Nilorak 24
You know him personally?
junkman6 22
Just get brutally dumped and some little prick yells "loser." Nah that's not anger issues I would, and am willing to bet 3 internets that most people would, want to tear that assholes head off too.
CallMeWindSock 24
Should've just pointed out it was the other guy and not you
silveronica5 12
Tell him it was the other guy! Can't believe his girlfriend dumped him in a bank in public though, that's so embarrassing
tony1891 22
why would you dump Someone in a crowded place to begin with? that just isn't right. but feel sorry for you for being mistaken
LittleBells 17
If this guy was willing to beat someone up for calling him a loser, then there's a chance he would beat a girl for breaking up with him.
garrett_8614 14
Or maybe he was being such a jerk at the bank that she got fed up and broke up with him on the spot