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The truth

By Theaccident - 22/01/2011 10:03 - Australia

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 080

You deserved it 3 682

By cheekychimp23 - 24/07/2013 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to help my constipated dog by squeezing crap out of her butt. This is a daily occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 183

You deserved it 6 109

cheekychimp23 tells us more.

cheekychimp23 6

Wednesday 24 July 2013 20:07

Just so people know I'm not a terrible dog owner - we have been to the vet numerous times and they told me it happens because her tail was docked too short when she was a puppy! I feed her oil but sadly it does not help. Sigh. Keep squeezing I guess. FML.

By Irreverend - 23/07/2013 04:23 - United States - Mchenry

Today, one of my bosses said, "You're going to take this as an insult, but it's not. At a certain age, women are supposed to cut their hair short." I have long hair. My bosses have all of the social skills of the guys from Big Bang Theory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 907

You deserved it 3 730

Irreverend tells us more.

Irreverend 23

Tuesday 23 July 2013 13:44

I talk to customers on the phone. People wear shorts and printed t-shirts to work. Several people walk around without shoes - including one of the owners. I, on the other hand, tend to dress up a bit. Image isn't the issue. This is the same place where, over 20 years ago, I decided to wear a skirt one day and one of the owners commented "she does have legs!"

By Anonymous - 06/07/2013 16:13 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 339

You deserved it 5 225

By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 14:47 - Canada

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 871

You deserved it 3 979

By Anonymous - 09/07/2014 01:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 231

You deserved it 3 863

By ishouldhidethekeys - 04/11/2009 08:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 004

You deserved it 4 758

By DJJayLee - 23/06/2014 05:45 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I got written up for drinking on the job by a manager who drinks on the job, who was told to write me up by a general manager who drinks on the job, and we are all employed by an owner who drinks on the job. I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 572

You deserved it 5 662

DJJayLee tells us more.

DJJayLee 12

Monday 23 June 2014 12:47

strip clubs aren't union. we have a total of 14 employees at this club and the GM would rather fire everyone and hire new people than deal with that. I'm 1 of 3 that have worked here longer than a year.

By just me - 13/05/2012 18:54 - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 212

You deserved it 3 486

By Twinner - 20/10/2009 19:03 - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 201

You deserved it 4 701

Biker troubles

By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 965

You deserved it 7 833

Left on read

By Ignored - 11/04/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 556

You deserved it 12 254

By Can'tAgeOrMakeFriends - 12/01/2013 01:11 - United States

Today, I was yet again asked to show my hall pass. I'm 23 and work at a middle school. I've worked here for the last five months, so not only do I look 13 years old, I'm also not memorable enough for my own coworkers to recognize me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 214

You deserved it 3 210

Pleased to meet y'all

By rokkstarrrVRV - 28/12/2013 08:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 361

You deserved it 5 174

Is this a joke?

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 771

You deserved it 3 900

Overthinking it

By omgreally91 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 687

You deserved it 30 718

By Heinz - 08/08/2012 04:19 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the highlight of my day was that I could afford name-brand ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 196

You deserved it 2 836

By suckstobeme - 16/04/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 157

You deserved it 8 809

By stillhungry - 27/06/2015 18:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 565

You deserved it 3 995

Off script

By Anonymous - 24/05/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 264

You deserved it 3 493

By Anonymous - 27/06/2010 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. No one there was under 60. I'm 16 and it was the only party I've been to all year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 226

You deserved it 7 847

Bad friend

By collegegirl90 - 09/03/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty, because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 987

You deserved it 112 803

Busted

By well SHIT - 27/02/2014 21:46 - United States - Little Elm

Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 882

You deserved it 61 814

By Rissa Warrington - 09/03/2012 08:30 - Canada

Today, I was walking to the bus in my favorite jeans, and I felt a uncontrollable itch in my leg. I scratched and it went away, but then I felt something moving on my leg. I hadn't worn my jeans in so long that a spider had decided to make it a nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 857

You deserved it 4 719

By stupid - 26/05/2015 06:54 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 233

You deserved it 51 546

By Sydney - 15/01/2013 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 120

You deserved it 3 018

By SpongeAbii2 - 24/01/2012 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 782

You deserved it 2 984

By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 22:06 - United States

Today, my bra clasp broke in the middle of a job interview. I got the job on the spot. I'm scared to report into work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 457

You deserved it 4 271

By noweddingforyou - 29/09/2013 19:21 - Canada - Guelph

Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 524

You deserved it 7 690

It's certainly some sort of proposal

By imaloser - 06/07/2009 23:27 - Canada

Today, I thought my boyfriend of six years was going to propose to me. We're high school sweethearts and he was my first. Just as he was looking into my eyes he said, "I've been seeing someone else for two years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 463

You deserved it 4 310

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The Top

Today, I was emailing a government employee at the place I'm hoping to get hired by. I realized too late I had been emailing her with my personal email address, which is rather jokey and unprofessional. She noticed and started referring to me as that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 439

You deserved it 7 025

Today, after a long and stressful day, I started fooling around with my boyfriend. When we finally got to the main event, I found out that we couldn't, because he'd used all his condoms to make water balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 200

You deserved it 7 420

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 668

You deserved it 2 577

Today, at the request of my girlfriend, I took a ruler with me into the shower to measure myself. Later on, at the dinner table, my mom asked me, "so, how big is it?" I had forgotten to take the ruler out of the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 338

You deserved it 5 655

Today, I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday, hinting that he could have anything sexual, and he asked me to… take the kids and visit my mother over the weekend, so he could have 48 hours totally alone, naked, drinking beer, and playing his Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 247

You deserved it 1 041

Today, I got pissed after my boyfriend tried mansplaining breastfeeding to me. I’ve nursed two children of my own, stocked and sustained two big freezers full, and still had leftovers to donate to preemies. He tried saying pumping "doesn’t increase supply" and that I just “got lucky” making so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 177