Today, I held a door open for a sweet old lady with a walker. After she went through the door, she turned and said, "That's not how you're gonna get into my pants, son." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML
Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said, "What a nice young man," and he said, "It's OK, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML
Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML
Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML
Today, while holding the door open for a stranger, I thought I was being polite. She walked through, smiled at me, and said, "Thanks, but you didn’t have to follow me into the bathroom." I hadn’t noticed the door led to the restroom. FML
Today, I was trying to be polite by holding the door for an elderly lady in a shop. What I didn’t realise was that the doors were automatic. I ended up standing there awkwardly for a good 5 seconds, holding onto thin air, while she just smiled and walked by. A bloke behind me said, “The doors don’t need your help, mate.” FML
Today, an old lady asked me the way to the shopping mall. The shopping mall was not too far away, but I could see that the lady could barely walk so I offered to drive her there. She smacked my car's door into a pole while getting in my car. She didn't even notice that she'd done something wrong. FML
Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML
Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML
Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML
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Top comments
Coop817 19
Hmm weird. That usually works.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
I smell a challenge.
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Comments (118)
Coop817 19
Hmm weird. That usually works.
windfuelsfire 10
She's one of those sadistic women who like to be alpha-male'd dominated without chivalry and wants to feel like she's being treated like an object when you pound deep inside her from behind
Myo_fml 20
I'm sorry 33, I must excuse myself to wash the vomit from my shirt after such vivid imagery was placed into my head.
jem970 19
Holy crap 33! Chill out
tj5810 21
Not that 33 has ever thought about that before or anything...
BrotherTheo 31
Hrm, I agree. You should probably establish a safe word first though. Safe, sane and consentual, you know!
Myo_fml 20
That comment made me picture wanton granny pounding more than the obvious wrong point of view of 33.
StormRaider358 2
Uh 33 I think you mean masochistic. Sadist would be if she were the one holding the whip. ._. Lovely image you put in my mind, by the way.
LarryLaDouche 13
She seems disinterested on the outside, but on the inside she's yearning for you to bang the dust out of her.
MrBrightside21 20
Or she didn't want him at all and was just making a joke. People these days are crazy. Always assuming the worst. Like giving kids some extra halloween candy out of my windowless van suddenly makes me a pedophile? What I'm trying to say, is that I'm sure she's a very nice lady.
ChazzyWazzy1998 10
I need brain bleach after that comment -_-
windfuelsfire 10
Thanks for the correction, 58. My bad. Masochistic woman. I'm happy my comment was vivid, it's what I wanted to send. My girlfriend likes to feel dominated and being handled rough, which is what inspired my wording. We like it sweet and slow sometimes too, like everyone else ;)
In_some_bullshit 13
I could not agree more #59
In_some_bullshit 13
You were great with your imagery and sounds like a Great sex life #83.
XxDevilxXGt 26
Try helping her with her groceries, maybe that'll get you somewhere.
Werken247 14
Should have just asked; "What's it gonna take Grams?"
Garrett2818 21
And when you get there ask her to take her dentures out. Hahahah
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
I smell a challenge.
perdix 31
Naw, that's just Ben-Gay, mothballs and stale cigarette smoke. It's easy to confuse the two.
ICastillo 25
Challenge Accepted!!
perdix 31
#43, let's hope Granny doesn't forget her Depends. The Gray Commandos terrorize the world with their hangy-down cooters!
metalhead4740 14
Try helping her bathe. That always works!
Jessj958 19
Maybe you should court her. That would eventually go somewhere!
Enslaved 38
Yep! Invite her to BINGO!(:
laya_fml 26
Or take her to actual court! Ladies love an aggressive man. Wait, maybe they don't. Eh, probably doesn't matter.
54754N4 14
@75 I really don't want to know your type now.
MuseFan1991 14
maybe you were meant to slam it in her face
afunnyterdcody 5
Sorry unconscious sex doesn't count
LarryLaDouche 13
Oh trust me. It counts.
Pleonasm 36
Tell her that if you got into her pants, she would need more than just a door held for her. What a cougar. Well, at this age, tortoise would be a better animal to describe it. A horny toroise.
Enslaved 38
A real live tortoise stuck on its back would be screwed. Think that old lady falls in that same category? :P
Pleonasm 36
Oh, you :p
juwood 7
I would have been howling with laughter if it were me. Totally random things like that are hilarious.
cajekraze 7
Awesome old lady FTW
kut17 11
So instead of a cradle robber, are you a grave robber?
perdix 31
Would you really want to find out what's in her pants? Depends.
Pleonasm 36
The Hanging-down Cooter, perdix, the Hanging-down Cooter.
Schiffy 18
I think you missed the joke, Depends is an adult diaper brand.
perdix 31
#15, so, can I put you down as a "yes?"
Pleonasm 36
Only if you go in with me. The HDC should always be tackled as a team. 16- I was making an in-joke with perdix, myself.