The Top

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It's just a ride

By fatherof4 - 26/07/2021 04:01

Today, I realized that this is it. We are here for the blink of an eye, then dead. What if God doesn’t exist, then nothing has any meaning. I’ve been almost frozen in terror at this thought for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 565

You deserved it 631

Planned parenthood

By KittenTitz - 03/05/2020 20:00

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 843

You deserved it 673

Torn

By VaveJessop - 05/05/2020 20:00

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 868

You deserved it 171

Winning

By Anonymous - 16/05/2020 08:00

Today, I found out my fourteen-year-old daughter is making more money than me, thanks to babysitting and winning writing contests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 480

Not sure that's how it works

By Julisna - 16/09/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, after getting sick of my boyfriend pestering me for a threesome, I invited a male friend over. My boyfriend strongly declined, because, "Hell no, I ain’t gay." So this man expects me to be a lesbian, but him being gay is a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 807

You deserved it 352

By Ferniferousfern - 20/08/2018 18:30

Today, I sat down to use the bathroom after a long day of work. My toilet, however, had other plans, as a spontaneous, ear shattering crack flooded the entire bathroom, soaking the outer carpet and shorting out my bathroom scale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 158

By Anonymous - 18/09/2018 22:10

Today, my fancy rubber phone case did its job and saved my phone from damage when I dropped it on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately, it was rather useless after the massive bounce it took before landing in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 576

You deserved it 363

This is my life

By Broke - 07/02/2020 05:00 - United States

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 220

It's not you, it's me

By DyingAlone - 14/12/2021 23:01

Today, I met the guy my ex left me for. He's morbidly obese, has no personality, and got her drinking again, even though she has a problem. She says, "I've never been happier." Now everything I've done for my anxiety and depression has come undone, and I can't be convinced there isn't something horribly wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 284

Welcome to middle age

By Adrianna - 03/12/2021 13:59

Today, I pulled a shoulder muscle opening my front door. How are your thirties going? FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 156

By Anonymous - 06/11/2018 22:18 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was sitting on my balcony at night when the house across from me had a light that started blinking. I know Morse code and the messages said, "Help, I am kidnapped." Naturally, I called the police, but it was just some bratty kid. I'm in trouble for wasting police time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 552

You deserved it 346

By @KillingerExp - 23/10/2018 20:10 - United States - New York

Today, I got high-fived in the face by a jellyfish. Twice. #FML @KillingerExp

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 260

Late reaction

By fuck - 22/01/2020 14:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 395

You deserved it 680

By pipers - 02/05/2019 16:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 279

The diet plan from hell

By Mustanggt - 01/11/2020 20:01 - United States - Rochester

Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 22/08/2019 22:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 334

By Sotired - 02/03/2019 02:00 - United States - Medford

Today, after working 12 shifts in the past 8 days at 2 jobs and thinking today was a day off, I got the call that I misread my schedule and I was in fact scheduled. Got off at 2:30 am, work again at 9 am with 9 shifts to go this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 473

You deserved it 369

By LennyComa - 19/03/2017 00:00

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 608

You deserved it 947

Naughty boy

By a cat named tiddles - 30/03/2017 00:00

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put him outside. Unhappy with the situation, he leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile-vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 440

You deserved it 774

By Smile - 03/03/2008 05:04

Today, I couldn't get into my car. I got mad at the lock, and my key broken inside it. It wasn't my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 358

Economy, schmeconomy

By RejectRaven - 16/05/2019 12:00

Today, I got my first paycheck after getting a new job so I could pay rent. It was only $387.19, even after working overtime. My rent is $515. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 999

You deserved it 248

By FlamedOut - 23/04/2017 22:00

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 886

You deserved it 542

Melted

By Anonymous - 31/01/2021 03:30

Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 176

By anonymous - 27/04/2017 21:00 - Germany

Today, I began the first week of my internship. When I arrived in the morning, I saw a paper on the door that said, “Business holidays. Back in two weeks!” My internship ends in two weeks. They completely forgot about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 353

You deserved it 298

This is ain't it, son

By I can never win - 13/07/2023 18:00

Spicy

Today, and like every month, my husband goes through the wastebasket and checks my used pads for proof that I’m not lying about being on my period to get out of sex, all because once, I didn’t feel like having sex and said I was on my period, even though I wasn’t. He found out I lied because he saw my clean pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 060

You deserved it 958

By Anonymous - 28/05/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 888

You deserved it 1 818

Inappropriate, dude

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 05:01

Spicy

Today, my husband, during casual family chat, told my CHILDREN all about my childhood sexual abuse as I stared at him in disbelief. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 141

By Anonymous - 06/08/2019 16:00

Spicy

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 213

You deserved it 411

By baldiesmom - 29/09/2016 19:07 - United States - Union

Today, I spent about 45 minutes attaching brackets and weatherproof lights to the umbrella in my patio set. It looked great, and I was excited to finally sit out under them at night - until the umbrella shifted and fell over, shattering the glass table top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 768

You deserved it 1 119

baldiesmom tells us more.

baldiesmom 25

Friday 30 September 2016 14:20

OP here. The instability of the umbrella was due to my husband cutting apart the stabilizing framework under the table that would normally keep this kind of thing from happening because he bought me a "much more awesome" umbrella that was too big for the table. He had good intentions, but I had a feeling the cutting of the framework would be a problem later. And no, there will most definitely not be a next time. As for vacuuming it up, maybe so, if I had a shop vac. As it was, he had loaned our shovel to a friend, I had no gloves, and the grass was long. I improvised and ended up using a hoe and two dust pans. It worked.

By Fatnlonely - 20/08/2019 12:00

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 480

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The Top

The Top

Today, I learned that an antidepressant that works too well is a stimulant. I've been jittering and twitching like a meth-head, and my co-workers are asking when Jesse will be showing up with my "stuff". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 189

You deserved it 3 516

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 360

You deserved it 462

Today, and since yesterday, I've received numerous tearful, and sometimes angry, phone calls from my mom. The calls were not about her health issues, my kids, or even my dad losing his job. No, she was angry-crying about the FBI raid at Trump's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 196

Today, I was at a wedding and caught the bouquet. My boyfriend of five years panicked and proposed on the spot, thinking I was hinting at something. I just wanted to catch some flowers, but I had to tell him to get a grip without hurting his feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 721

Today, my husband is trying to divorce me because I’m pregnant, even though I’ve been told all my adult life that I’m infertile. I’ve never even had a period. He’s blaming me for lying to him because he never wanted kids. He even tried to claim it must be another guy's baby. He’s an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 206

Today, after a bad head cold, my boyfriend woke up, shambled to the bathroom and sniffled. He then pulled the biggest booger I've ever seen out of his nose; it looked like a giant slug. He took a picture, then set it as his lock screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 78