Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML
Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML
Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to meet me in the park to talk. Just when I wanted to break up, he knelt down on one knee and proposed. I had to reject him in front of a whole crowd of people. FML
Today, I was fired from my job because a recruiter advised me to lie on my application. I wasn't stupid enough to actually lie, but management didn't care and fired us both. FML
itsawash tells us more.
itsawash 7
Hey, guys. OP here. The situation is actually a bit more complicated than I made it out to be initially, but the FML is pretty much the gist. I can't go into too many details but here's what basically happened. I had actually asked for resume advice by someone who already worked at the company I was applying to. Let's call this person Mat. This person gave actual solid advice right up until he told me to make up work experience. I didn't do that, obviously, but I listed all prior relevant work experience, which included a company that had since gone out of business. Everything was fine until about a couple of weeks later when I was fired over the weekend. I later found out that Mat had also been fired. It was implied that I wasn't the only employee implicated in his shenanigans. I tried going to HR to clear my name, but everyone just wanted the whole debacle over and done with. I'm also pretty sure my life would've been very difficult had I decided to pursue legal action. I just happened to get caught up in company politics, that's all. Not much I can do about it now.
Today, I was sitting outside while my dad was mowing the lawn. He ran over a hornet's nest with several now-angry hornets. He escaped unscathed. I didn't. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML
Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife… FML
Today, my boyfriend returned from University after 8 months away. He says he cannot wait to see me. The whole half an hour ride to his home, I was shaking like a leaf. I’m still sitting his driveway because I don’t know how to tell him that I’m 5 months pregnant. Yes, I’m showing. A LOT. FML
Today, my boss told me that he didn’t want to promote me because my, “scores were too good.” He then told me that I would be getting twice as much work to do than my coworkers, without a raise. I work minimum wage. FML
Today, it’s exam day in Sweden. Yesterday, I prepared three fountain pens and six cartridges. The exam starts. Suddenly, I’m stressing out: my pens had frozen during the night. Thanks, sub-zero conditions. FML
Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML
Today, I found out that my friends from high school have yearly meet-ups to catch up and talk about what they've done since school. They've done this for 3 years. I havent even been invited once. FML
Today, my mum called me at work in hysterics, saying she had just been arrested and that I needed to get her dog from her house. I had no idea why she was arrested. I hear nothing from her until 1 a.m. when she calls, waking me up. The first words out of her mouth are, "How's the dog?" FML
CaffeinePlz_24_7 tells us more.
OP here (TooStressedToFunction) with an update on things. Had to make an account for this, so enjoy. Turns out my mum AND dad were arrested, and are now on bail for six months. I'm not at liberty to say why they were arrested but trust me the allergations are BAD. Personally I don't belive the allergations are true, but my parents do need to move. Where are they moving? Closer to a support network maybe, consisting of family and friends who can help them through this hard and upsetting time ? Nope! Closer to the dog's special private vet, a full hour away from anyone that they know will help them. I fear pyscological issues are at play. P.S. The dog is fine, other than decades of interbreeding to keep his bloodline pedigree
Today, the city finally turned the water on to my new home after waiting for 2 months. This is how I found out that someone had stolen the copper water pipes from under my house. FML
Chelsea Schattner tells us more.
My first published fml! Hey everyone a little back story. The copper pipes where in the crawl space under the house. Easily accessible to everyone. The house sat empty for 9 years and was built in the 1940's with very little updates. I am remodeling it and thankfully there is home owners insurance on it. I am still out a chunk of money but not as much. The water was only on for a few minutes. The city turned it on and I opened the sink valve to no water. I could hear it but had no water. I crawled under the house and found the main cut off flush to the ground and all the copper gone. We turned off the water and called the cops and insurance. Damage total: $3,500.00
Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML
Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML
Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML
Today, my 3-year-old daughter has been crying non-stop for an hour because she wants to take off her black shoes. She's not wearing any. FML
Today, it was only as my boyfriend met my dad for the first time that I realised how alike they are. Same opinions, same dress sense, same moustache and beard, same height and body shape, similar jobs and cars, and they support the same rugby team. They got on like a house on fire as soon as they met. FML
Today, I was cleaning out my little sister's bedroom as she moved out and left a huge mess. I found her wearable vibrator. FML
Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML
Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300 km away with my dad. FML
Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML
Today, my girlfriend's dad let me borrow his car for transportation to work because mine got totaled. This car is a complete dump and I've realized he's only letting me use it so it's my fault to fix the broken things on the car. So far, I've had to replace the battery and two popped tires. FML
Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML
Today, the new security guard of my apartment building tackled me for "suspicious behavior" while I was taking a bag full of dirty kitty litter to the trash chute. He broke my arm and cause the trash bag to explode. When I got back from the hospital, I was fined for littering in the hallway. FML
Today, my mom let my younger brother borrow my car. He managed to crash it through the garage door. While I was in another country. Somehow, I manage to get berated by my mom because I'm not doing enough to make my brother feel better about him having an accident involving my car and my house. FML
Today, I went to the hairdressers for a quick cut and wash. I didn't expect my ear to be included in it. FML
Pixiewolfe tells us more.
Pixiewolfe 46
Wow my life really sucks with two FMLs published in a month. Luckily she did not actually cut any part of the ear off. It was painful and bleeding a lot but I'm no van Gogh look a like.
Today, after my work's Christmas party, everyone got so drunk that I had to help one of my only sober co-workers take everyone home and clean up vomit. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
