Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML
Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML
Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend before going to bed. He farted really loud and spat in my face as he laughed. FML
Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
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Top comments
Niicky_fml 20
The way this is worded is fantastic.
kaprookie 3
Put some meat in her ;)
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Comments (219)
Joey44 15
Okay, two things: first of all, people fart. Especially in their sleep. Both vegetarians and people who eat meat. You most likely do it too. But if you can't handle it, you should live on your own. Or at least sleep on your own. Second of all, I'm vegetarian, my brother is vegetarian, and several of my good friends are vegetarian, and this has never been a problem for me or any of us. And that isn't just because we're "used to it"; my brother and I both became vegetarians when still living with our other brother and our parents, so I know it never affected them either. If it's seriously an issue - not just you freaking out because you saw someone say women don't fart on the internet and actually thought it was true - maybe you should suggest she see a doctor about it.
stoptrying 9
Two things: First of all, it's clearly because of her new diet if it wasn't an issue prior to her beginning it. Second of all, unless your brothers had a habit of spooning each other, there's a difference between hearing farts while in another room/bed and having a loud fart right in front of you. Especially if that fart apparently has the strength behind it to "rattle your junk".
junkman6 22
Veggie farts are rank as hell compared to people who eat a normal balanced diet. Period.
Bofferding_fml 6
Baby baby light my fire...
Bofferding_fml 6
Baby baby light my fire...
MotherMonstar 4
At least she didn't DutchOven you, now that would have been epic:-D
hado_007 0
Junk rattling fart that is ******* hilarious man I haven't laughed this hard in years mate you have made my day
P374RD3D 9
Coincidence?
Calyx_fml 22
You can use your junk to plug her farts.
fogrunner 13
Bean tips from the internets: "Dried beans are easy to prepare. They have, however, gained a reputation for being hard to digest and are known to cause a little flatulence or 'gas.' To help eliminate this problem, try cooking dried beans like this: Soak dried beans overnight in highly salted water which you will discard when you rinse the beans before cooking. Soak all night or at least for five hours. (This isn't necessary for dried peas or lentils.) Discard the water, rinse well, add fresh water, simmer, low flame for half hour NO SALT and discard the water. Rinse beans thoroughly until water runs clear. Cover with fresh water and cook until tender. NO SALT. This method will help prevent 'gas' ..."
Chad_Brisson 2
Too much effort, I'll stick to farting.
Chad_Brisson 2
Too much effort, farting is easier.
The_creator_fml 2
The word that made this fml so funny was "she" lol.
THE_A_TEEN 28
Hey, **** you. Either you're trolling or you're being setious. Don't diss anyone on what sexual position they do. Spooning is not limited for gays, lesbians, or bisexuals. Anyone can do it. Never use a condom? Get better advice.