Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

Anaconda

Today, I took a massive shit and flushed the toilet, but it apparently didn’t flush properly. My mom then entered the bathroom, took a picture of my shit, and showed it to everyone she knows. She doesn’t understand why I’m embarrassed, and thinks that I should instead "take pride" in my giant poop. FML

Touch me I'm sick

Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML

Still the same

Today, my mom showed to my girlfriend my naked baby photos. My girlfriend said, "Nothing’s changed." FML

Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML

Cringe

Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

Today, I found out my little sister took a picture of me taking a shit and showed it to her friends. FML

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML