Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML
Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML
Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML
Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML
Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML
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Top comments
jibz 6
Should've mentioned sex, it's a great calorie burner.
craigkid 2
spit ..
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Comments (134)
Sign_up 2
tell her it's all natural.
arkumx 3
or just not swallow
MzKylz 0
exactly #39 don't swallow problem solved! lol
Hidan_fml 0
#39, I was thinking the exact same thing, haha.
andyp010 10
or just wear a condom
christrex99 0
ok 79 that was a dumb idea
cradle6 13
It's a good source of protein, and she's a vegetarian so I'm 99% sure she's protein deficient.
attatood 8
So #92, when did plants stop having protein?
Lawlipop 3
Also, #92, where does it even say she's a vegetarian? Diet does not equal vegetarianism.
Nadinek98 0
I moded this:))
fjretsel 1
you have a dumb bitch for a girlfriend.
cfalen 0
one teaspoon of sperm is 5 calories :D
Nadinek98 0
LOL. vvvvv
TheCass_ 3
haha at 98.
XtremeHeat 14
Organic sperm
I_R_Genius 3
Lol damn OP that does suck, but atleast she's trying to lose weight though, so you got to cut her some slack. But hey, it's high in protein so you can just add it to her diet (I think).
Anaxes 5
You can't ADD protein and lose weight, you have to replace a meal WITH protein for it.
cafeboy 0
tell her to skip supper...
I_R_Genius 3
#11, yes you can add protein to your diet. I work out everyday after work and I add a protein shake after every work out. Protein builds muscle and helps you lose weight.
SarahCrazy_fml 0
plus, protein gives you energy
Anaxes 5
Protein gives energy. If energy is not used, it is STORED as fat. The point of my post was the adding protein =/= easy weight loss.
neondeath 0
WTF 0.0 I said calories
neondeath 0
WTF 0.0 I said calories
neondeath 0
WTF!!!!!! FML! double posted that and didn't my original
bella789 8
ahah. I like the "blondes" picture.
brelinxboo 0
Tell her it's a new protein shake like SlimFast.
XoOxKaiRaWrxOoX 0
SpermFast :D Drink up haha
xSgtTh0masx 0
More like cumfast lol
daaron 3
omfgi love you never thought about that lol babe here's some spermfast promise it hurts it's like all you suck my bad eat buffet you hungry come here and suck I mean eat a sperm shake lollypop Popsicle sausage chocolate butterfinger a chocolate Twinkie and last but not least my dick with filling lmao
DGAFprincess 0
daaron: that was complete and utter jibberish.
craigkid 2
spit ..
stephanieface 0
most logical response
AkuskaUK 6
precisely!
Dennisse_47 17
Exactly what I was thinking. It's a win for everyone. :)
ARScratch 0
Lmao
roryabester 8
i want to give you a thumbs up but you're currently at 69 of them and i cant mess that up ?there ya go
jibz 6
Should've mentioned sex, it's a great calorie burner.
nerdchic 5
it doesn't burn that many calories unless you do it for more than 3 hours. trust me, I know :P
FatGuyLover 0
Doesnt she know that sperm is healthy for teach?
kikibisweet 0
Who said she had to swallow?
DjeePee 25
Love did. Swallowing is by the way much better than spitting it out, because 1) the (sometimes horrible) taste is immediatly gone 2) it takes less effort 3) it is much sexier to see. But everybody does what he/she is most interested in.
insanesna1l 0
you my dear are a mans best friend :-)
Shadow_Phantom 26
IMO putting your mouth anywhere near that is disgusting on its own... swallowing it even worse.
iloveboyswittats 10
Putting it in your mouth is not disgusting by any means. I think it's a really big turn on and I love knowing I'm pleasing my man. But that's just me
kikibisweet 0
Anyway just tell hee she will burn more calories in the process, if you know what i mean, so in the end its all good.
istylez2 0
love da red hair u lookin sexy
penguinazul 13
86, are you thirteen or something? As long as the man's dick is clean, I don't see where it'd be disgusting.
TylersBoo 0
Exactly! It just makes sense. But personally, whenever I'm on a diet I still swallow for my boyfriend.
Bagel09 11
just return the favour;) saving silverman.
SHORTstopp99 5
ydi for being a ****
Brayden93 0
you deserve it for being a prude
underguarded 20
Well she'd work the calories off if she gave you a proper ********.
lamiraoc 0
wtf! its only 5 calories!
GeraldisTheG 3
you would know
LoveMySoldier82 0
I think she is just trying to get out of giving him a ********. He should remind her that they aren't married. He should also remind her that blow jobs are safer as far as pregnancies are concerned. Having a baby makes you gain more weight than sperm :)
fuel4insanity 0
how do u know that?
janise 2
@ LoveMySoldier82: How is reminding her they aren't married going to help the OP get a *******?
LoveMySoldier82 0
It was a joke. People say that after marriage women don't feel the need to give blow jobs cause they got what they wanted...
xSgtTh0masx 0
That's False.
RawrNom 0
actually, it's closer to a thousand calories depending on the man/boy you're giving one too. I study nutrition at college and my teacher likes to throw in sex jokes. some can be 500+ where as others are 900+ but no one should have 5 calories. considering that there's thousand of sperm and each sperm needs the energy to swim and move and fight to get towards the egg, they're bound to be fattening. :) gross much?