Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML
Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML
Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML
Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML
Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
jibz 6
Should've mentioned sex, it's a great calorie burner.
craigkid 2
spit ..
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (134)
myworld99 0
WTF. a tablespoon of sperm is only 9 calories. She's being ridiculous.
DANduhMAN 0
Screw her. Then cum in her hair. Calories burned with sex and having to wash, dry and style, she'll then be a happy camper.
perdix 31
Ah, the perils of being a plumpa humpa! Let her suck you off until you are about ready to come, and the blow your load all over her ****. Then, let her rub your **** all over her body. Girls think baby batter is great moisturizer -- I don't know if that's scieñtifically correct, but I'm happy for them to conduct the clinical trials ;)
perdix 31
You could also teach her that old Weight Watchers trick of eating half of your semen right away and catching the other half in a to-go box (aka doggie bag), so she can enjoy it later. It's all about portion control.
ifyouseekamy666 0
hahaha! I almost peed my pants reading this, my sisters on weight watchers I think I'll give her this tip lol :D
ashleeyka 13
i wish i could add comments to my favorites lol
marc_with_a_c 3
Might want to tell her about spitting
Zombie65 0
condom?
misterjez 15
I'd slap my wife if she made me wear a condom while she sucked me off.
caveman0920 0
you diserve it for having sex before marrige
alicec123 0
just have proper sex?
blantic 0
Today you did'nt get a *******? FYL?.... Go **** yourself.
fthku 13
Like everyone said, you should just have regular sex. Great calorie burner, and probably yields the same result - One participant is satisfied.