Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus." FML
Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML
Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML
Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML
Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
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Top comments
sobstory10000 17
It's now time to tear up that relationship with both of them
Morning_fml 22
I'm going to say what everyone's going to say: dump that disloyal bitch and find a new best friend.
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Comments (182)
tonyfan00 38
Relationships is one thing I'll never fully understand...
Ashd09 30
it seems that grammar is another one of those things
zgomon 10
I was going to say something witty, butt **** it.
gintwinsmoore 20
nice...Lol
LaurenRoxsU 9
@13, But getting to the bottom line here, that was an awsmsauce comment.
UhHuhHoney 20
Pretend you're okay with the situation, take her out to some Indian food. Revenge solved.
jrod9327 17
That is just too perfect.
Kielnmsoftly 26
But what if she stand him up? I can't see her sitting down for awhile. ?
sturschaedel 27
I think (traditional) Thai food might be even better.
UhHuhHoney 20
Anything to make that shit burn!
jenninator93 18
Or better yet.. buy her a box of chocolates.. but inject them with ghost pepper extract. I'd think she'd avoid spicy food with a torn asshole.. but who can say no to chocolate?
enginsteve 17
Jesus, the chicks here are the meanest ones.. But I think you should listen to them!
PeterPanties 6
might as well switch the contents of the lotion doctors will prescribe with hot sauce
Ichiya 29
Ring of Fire should play in the background during this.
asherm 15
Actually instead of things to make her crap, give her something to make her stool rock hard- iron pills do that for a lot of people. Yes, I was anemic in high school and that shit hurt. Pun intended. Sorry OP, cheaters are the worst.
brandoneyez1 25
Neeeext!!!
MrDonSalvetti 27
Best friend my ass, what a douchebag.... -.-"
Jdlove2 20
Actually bet friend her ass
The_walking_derp 5
She sound like an asshole
ThongWarrior 17
And karma tore her apart for sure
CaptainPicard 3
Sounds like you need to give your ex-best friend some small testing of his own.
BlondePsycho 43
(Insert standard anal joke here, please use lube provided)
Enslaved 38
Especially after zooming in to see #21's Astroglide pic.
BlondePsycho 43
:) i like imagining thats subtle.
BlondePsycho 43
You gotta zoom in and enhance sometimes.
BlondePsycho 43
Hah Thats appreciated
LaurenRoxsU 9
@116, And personally, you have *also* got to appreciate someone that doesn't consider "zooming and enhancing profile pictures (that you most-likely-have-to-save-to-your-phone-first-to-do-it-right)" to be crossing the online stalking line. Kudos to you! Lol
CaliCassanova 14
Karma's a bitch