Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML
Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML
Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML
Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML
Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML
Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML
Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML
Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML
Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML
Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML
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Top comments
Futacy 30
Wait.. you spray perfume in your mouth?
Kgirl2cute 6
But why would you ever spray perfume directly at your mouth?
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Comments (58)
musicluvr2000 11
Is anyone else slightly weirded out hearing "my dog head butted me in the mouth"?
theluckyones 10
It happens.. My dog gets overly excited jumps at my face and Head butts me.
sarah6786 14
Nope.
jenniiienyc 5
Why spray your face with perfume in the first place, OP?
nightmare2274 0
Yes cause everyone sprays perfume in their mouth...
dominic1221 6
I thought a split lip could be anything from a massive split to practically a papercut. At least that's how I've always heard it and used the phrase.
Kidkaplan 19
Sound like it hit u in the head too
stormchaser24 24
Spray perfume on lip? WTF
secretsmiles00 8
Why!?
celine21_fml 0
I think commen sence just went out the window ^_^
VooDooCarrie91 19
You mean common sense? It looks like you are in short supply as well
GypsyRover 0
If you want to be a grammar Nazi, you forgot the period at the end of the sentence. I hope you don't raise that kid to be a jerk like you. Go be a teachers aide if you want to edit peoples work.
VooDooCarrie91 19
You can say whatever you want about me. I don't care but you don't talk about my kid in any form. You don't know me or my children. There a lot of grammar Nazi's on this site. Get over it. But don't belittle my parenting because I didn't have a ******* period at the end of my sentence.
Peacelove0404 26
I know that whenever I spray perfume on my neck, I always end up getting a little bit of it in my mouth. That's probably what OP did
neilykins 29
I never get any in my mouth... :|
littlelotte98 3
seriously how do u mistake putting perfume in ur mouth I mean it's not hard to miss