Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML
Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML
Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML
Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML
Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML
Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML
Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML
Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML
Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML
Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML
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Top comments
Futacy 30
Wait.. you spray perfume in your mouth?
Kgirl2cute 6
But why would you ever spray perfume directly at your mouth?
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Comments (58)
Erniedoee 2
At least the wound will smell good?
rhaemese 9
Personally I prefer the fresh smell of decaying flesh. But that's just me.
Erniedoee 2
The ****?^
rhaemese 9
Sorry. My brother decided to comment something lovely. Yaaay for automatically logging in on the phone app (sarcasm)
xlord 27
-9 OMG the zombie apocalypse is beginning.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
DocBastard 40
Really? The old "my brother posted that, not me!" excuse? Is your name Chantal by any chance? This stands right next to "I didn't inhale" and "My dog ate my homework" as the worst excuses ever.
Goldenchest 14
Yknow.. If you had left it at "my lip split open" you probably would've had a lot less YDIs
Axipiter 24
Those, and "I was just standing there, minding my own business, when..."
Meettitan 14
You spray perfume on ypur lips? Do they smell bad if you don't?
Meettitan 14
Your* Please add an edit button to the android app!
charlieisawesome 4
24- ehhhh just beat that game!
lovelyheadache 16
Why weren't you at the hospital OP? Your lip was split in half......
Futacy 30
Wait.. you spray perfume in your mouth?
buck33 14
Doesn't seem like it would give someone fresh breath.
flutter4 7
My thoughts exactly
77777771 12
Maybe she was aiming for her neck and missed. But whole whole spray is way to much anyway.
Inheritance 10
Maybe just maybe the spray nozzle was turned sideways towards her mouth?
SokDek 14
Maybe she thought it was breathspray?
MURIKKA 11
Maybe she's like Will Ferrell in "Elf".
kansah 25
God damn Aussies
mzrobinson 13
Even if it was breathspray, you don't spray your lips... You spray inside your mouth so it shouldn't have even gotten on the lip.
GypsyRover 0
Op should just use a tooth brush. Lol
Kgirl2cute 6
But why would you ever spray perfume directly at your mouth?
AlexaWuzHere 31
If it had been breath spray, OP would have said breath spray. Breath spray and perfume are very different.
Futacy 30
She probably was just spraying it at her face.
Katiekhalifa_fml 28
19- I think you may actually be one of the dumbest people on this site.
Trix_Disorder 20
78 - Your picture really weirds me out for some reason.
Katiekhalifa_fml 28
81- Cry about it.
Trix_Disorder 20
84 - I see you changed your picture. Maybe you thought it looked strange, too?
Katiekhalifa_fml 28
> 85 posts about hating the entitled and pompous user base on this site > is part of the entitled and pompous user base on this site
Katiekhalifa_fml 28
I'm pretty sure if she sprayed breath spray in it she would have said "breath spray". She said perfume, which I consider to be the stuff you spray on your clothes to smell good.
Katiekhalifa_fml 28
Where would anyone call breath spray perfume? Provide one example. Or just admit that you're wrong. You kept begging for "logic" but there is no logic behind your comments. You're painfully trying to save face and it's not working to your advantage. Yes I realize that "not everyone speaks the same", but that doesn't mean they call breath spray "perfume". The only person with a malfunction here is you. Some guys always seem to think that girls are PMSing when they get put in their place, but honestly you're just a moron.
Ins0mau 20
96 - OP is from Australia, and as an Australian, I'd like to point out that I'd be pretty surprised if somewhere in my country, it was normal to call breathe spray "perfume".
CoffeeChickBlows 13
K, let me be the mediator here, coz you're all acting like your precious egos are on fire. Right. Guy above me: it doesn't have to be 'normal' for people to say it. If one person says it, then that's that. Doesn't matter if other people do or don't. Katie: go to google and put in 'perfume breath spray.' You'll get a bunch of hits. BTW, we use the whole PMS thing figuratively, don't worry about it, there's no male conspiracy or anything. This kid went about it in the wrong way but he's got a point. OP sprayed their face, there's nothing to be debated about it. Both of you are just so defensive you feel like you've gotta save face. OP: you're a 'tard.
iamjukEZ 5
You put perfume in your mouth?
SystemofaBlink41 27
That's my same question xD you'd think that if she missed she would have put it in the post...
PhilSnake22 13
Classy username you got there.
neilykins 29
Not all of us Australians talk like that. There are a select few that believe it is not a compliment to call someone a '****'.
torio123 27
I agree with #43 People like the OP have given our country a bad name. Most of us don't talk or even think like that!
fylx100 19
67- But I don't think Australia is a bad country. Who said people give you guys a bad name? Australians, Canadians, and the UK I think are all great people! I'm American.
neilykins 29
Most of the people I know use that word in every day life, it's disgusting to hear people say it to anyone around them.
sirpantselot 22
Nothing wrong with the word ****. No reason its worse than any other word.
neilykins 29
I believe it is, and I'm talking about people also using it (and other swear words) around little children, around people who deserve respect (old army men and women), people who don't need to hear a young person shouting curse words in shopping centres and public places.
Myo_fml 20
How often are you in a situation where you're around old army men/women?
annie_nk 23
Personally I find the word **** to be really down grading. But people are still gonna use it. I can't stop people from swearing and I don't mind unless my kids hear it. There's nothing quite like a cussing toddler lol.
marmlr339 14
In Brisbane at least, just about everyone says ****... It barely means anything anymore. It's just like 'lol,' it's a word used recklessly
Ins0mau 20
As an Australian that rarely hears that word, I'm now wondering if I live a sheltered life...
juicyfresh 7
all citizens of the world are good people. Except Americans. **** America
MURIKKA 11
69- Especially Canadians. They are some of the nicest people I have ever met.
fuzz97 23
82, it's a shame that you hate fun
neilykins 29
121. No, I really don't? I don't know where you got that from? My dad is ex-army, as was both my grand-dad's therefore, I am around army people all the time. It's just my opinion :)
alexa9510 1
Dirty mouth? Clean it up with perfume, apparently
marmlr339 14
111 - yea your in Hobart... You're probably sheltered. They even want to ban tobacco there! :-/
afairshake 8
Wow hate much? I think maybe some anger management might be in order for you.
afairshake 8
You know I'm an American and highly insulted by your hateful comment and even sadder to see you're from Canada which is where my boyfriend lives and I will soon be living. It's a shame people like you give Canadians a bad name. Anger management maybe?
sirpantselot 22
I'm not saying swearing in front of kids is fine, especially if their not your own, but if you're going to swear, there's no reason why **** is particularly bad.
deBlobX 12
'stralia ****
neilykins 29
131, I'm just not a fan of the word, and swearing in general, I choose not to swear, but that's just me :)
pixiebubz 26
I'm in Sydney and I rarely hear the word being used. Thank god.
sportcrazychick4 7
Wasn't Australia made up of all of Britons criminals?
R3TROxLOV3 32
Why are you spraying perfume on your mouth? You are aware that if you want your breath to smell good, they have breath sprays and gum, right?
AlexaWuzHere 31
Or brush your teeth and tongue....
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
Don't forget flossing and mouthwash!
celine21_fml 0
Lol I did that when I was kid once...yeah it didn't taste all that great
whyusofat 17
And regualr trips to the dentist!
brittanywashere 14
They have toothpaste too, lol
305Miami 0
Those things can get nasty, get better soon
Dallasluver19 14
^Agreed. :)
Lax_life51 1
Why are you spraying perfume on your lips in the first place?
pokefan813 16
She thought it was passion fruit spray! (elf reference)
Kaatosade 9
I'm curious as to why you decided to apply perfume to your face/mouth. Were you out of mouth wash?
SqueakyChipmunk 22
At least you didn't drink any orange juice. Any cut anywhere in or on your mouth, it will find it, and brutally violate it.
Psych101 9
Same goes for hand sanitizer. It's a useful device for finding all of the previously unknown cuts on your hand. OP, I normally wouldn't have to say this, but don't rub hand sanitizer on your lip. But since you spray perfume directly on there, who knows what else you do.
Welshite 40
My dad once tricked me into eating a raw habanero pepper when I had chapped lips. That was not a pleasant experience.
astoryofroses 9
lemonade will hurt more
Wishez 12
God damn it squeaky, I read what you said about reading your comments in a high pitched voice and now I can't stop reading them in a high pithed voice! :D
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Mwahaha.
seasonedtoast 19
I spilt my lip open once and then delighted in some salt and vinegar chips. Fuuuuuuuuck! Idiot.
FMLKitten 15
I once got a small cut on my finger, and as a joke my friend replace the Hydrogen Peroxiden with lemon juice. Worst. Prank. Ever.