Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
Today, my wife complained that the shower was draining slowly, so I took the drain cover off and snaked the drain. I pulled out a giant blob of reeking, stinking, rotten filth. My wife saw it and screamed. Now she insists she can still smell it on my hands and won't let me near her. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML
Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML
Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML
Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML
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Top comments
Callyn 47
Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.
JustKittyKat 24
At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.
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Comments (133)
charvisioku 22
It's cruel, but I'd be really tempted to start talking in a Romanian accent and baring my teeth at her at random intervals. Then again, she might stake you if you do that.
Zestus 19
Oh wives...
DrMrStrad 4
But garlic smells so good!
THATguy0698 4
How hasn't she read this and flipped out already?
YeniDewie 0
well, seems u should try to wear vampire costume one day ... lolz
SqueakyChipmunk 22
That's ridiculous! Even my buddies, Larry the Unicorn and Shamus the Leprechaun think do!
mario2012 18
I would blame Stephanie Meyer but she made vampires anything but traditional.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Those are not vampires. Those are the result of Satan eating a bean cheese burrito.
Blakeykins 0
Too much Twilight.
ICastillo 25
Na sparkling douche bag wanna be vampires don't scare anybody.
xNephilim 19
Not really. If she believed Twilight vampires were real, she wouldn't worry about garlic. She'd carry a pet werewolf around with her. Or a huge, industrial strength blowtorch.
gracehi 33
If you think about it, Twilight vampires are (if you ignore the fact that the Cullens don't feed off humans) much scarier than traditional vampires. They can go out in the day time without bursting into flames, can't be staked, and are impervious to things like crosses, garlic, and silver. They also have various special abilities, such as clairvoyance and mind reading. The only way to kill them is to rip them apart and then burn the remains, which is a near impossible task without a jackhammer since they're made of stone. I can understand why people who are fond of traditional vampires would hate the Twilight series, though.
limitedition 25
Sometimes a cry for help is hard to recognize. Sometimes it's not. This is not. Her her some help OP.
Arile 5
She is right, im a vampire