Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bed. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screams when she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." FML
Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML
Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML
Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon, after I'd explained to her how scared I was of The Exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML
Today, I was woken up by my 5 year-old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her toothbrush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML
Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me God, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML
Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML
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Top comments
holagurl15 11
be careful when she steps outside—she might start to sparkle.
xBangOut 4
Bring her in the sun and ask her to explain why she is not sparkling like a glorious homosexual!
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Comments (532)
obamanation85 1
first
holagurl15 11
be careful when she steps outside—she might start to sparkle.
greatkidem 7
before u know it shell be sneaking out at night to watch people sleep.
holagurl15 11
No that would be Santa.
ohmygodthatsux 0
sparkle everyone to death
lackofhobby 2
Santa? (0_0) ?
niplipsip 9
43 - yes, Santa. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake.."
hotchicklover 0
jus let her believe it till she drinks some blood then watch her puke every were
disneyfan101 6
"he sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake, his name is Edward Cullen, and he's here to get you raped". xD
lovelydarlings 6
I had a sparkly experience once. This lotion I had had tiny sparkles in it and I didn't see it until I went outside to the pool. I totally felt like a vampire haha.
swimchica22 0
122 wins :D
TheJashinist 8
#122, you just made my night.
ih82bl8 2
actually there are such things as vampires, they just aren't like Edward Cullen- they are just people who drink blood- no they dont bite people. but I love the taste of blood
NecroParade 3
Sparkling in the sun is still a sign that she's not a vampire. If the sun nearly killed her, that would be a sign that she was.
WOGBRO 6
Twilight fever very dangerous
disneyfan101 6
246- your welcome, I made an account just for that comment .
mano47 0
then she'll have to clean it up hahaha
partygril378 0
#122 rotflol zomygosh!!!!!! thts the funniest sh*t I ever seen!!!! tht just made my nite!!!!hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
MyAssIsCute 5
#258 my bf is like that it's called bloodlust .... motha****** doesn't sparkle or look like Edward cullen lmao oh well love his nerdy ass ne way
DigitaISea 0
WIN.
mmccombs13 0
that's what twilight will do to you! it's awful really...
SOlarPanel348 0
I wish my parents supported me like OP supports her kids
browntiga 0
how is OP supporting the kids? hes trying to crush the little girls dream of becoming a vampire.
SOlarPanel348 0
it was a joke
doglover100 29
Twilight ruined the image of vampires. Also Edward isn't real why do people think he is?
gTOtheT 7
team Jacob!!!!!!!!!
cocofruity123 0
noooo TEAM EDWARD!
Runninvegan 8
I'm on team Shut the %#&@ up.
Arch27 27
Team Van Helsing! (Peter Cushing FTW!)
kaka123abc 0
you guys are all wrong it's team Damon :)
PsychoticAsylum 26
Team, Enough of the God Damn Vampire Books Where One(Or Two) of the Vampires Fall in Love with a Feeble, Irritating Girl, and Glitter in the Sunlight, or Need Special Rings to be in the Sunlight(Or just any vampire that doesn't burn in the sun, I guess)
horrsegal 0
thank you
bms1996 12
33.no,team REAL MEN DONT SPARKLE LIKE FRICKEN PIXIES!!!
sandyandellie 5
I'm team whoever/whatever-is-trying-to-kill-Bella-right-now.
kateheartswaffle 0
die
Mattxy8 5
Team dracula
Agony_Blackheart 2
TEAM BLADE!!!!!!!
cre8or99 0
c-c-c-c-combo break
tacocannon99 5
team Mario bitches
DeathMaple 3
Team guy who almost hit Bella with a van.
Yourmomschesthai_fml 1
team sparkley snowman
Yourmomschesthai_fml 1
team sparkley snowman
badwolfbluebox 7
team Snape for the win!!
MrScholl 4
**** both you, team Harry Potter
agaba 0
team shut the **** up twilight sucks
agaba 0
team shut the **** up twilight sucks
agaba 0
team shut the **** up twilight sucks
agaba 0
team shut the **** up twilight sucks
agaba 0
team shut the **** up twilight sucks
gTOtheT 7
wow I got a lot of thumbs down and on my first day on this website!!!!!!
Rosalie_Haostn 0
I'm liking the team Shut the $&@! up.
UnderWaterComix 0
TEAM ALUCARD SUCKAS (lol anime)
MsMeiriona 2
No, Team Harry "The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault" Dresden, he of the zombie t-rex! Polka will never die!
NecroParade 3
I'm on team Buffy.
srsly555 0
I'm with you!!
thedaish 0
Team guy who almost hit Bella with his car!
itsgen 16
whooo Edward lol
itsgen 16
which is why alot of "real" men suck in life
lackofhobby 2
That is called Luck
OffTJHook3r 2
Team Edward bitch. No. Vampires suck gets the story right (y)
turkishjew 0
......sucks
turkishjew 0
twilight series you're definatly a man when u sparkle in the sunlight I'm on team bellas a hermaphrodite
ArentICute 0
Team Harry potter!
scampi08 0
GO TEAM EDWARD
carpedhiem 0
Team Bob the Builder
MyAssIsCute 5
#200 Harry Potter was AWESOME!!!! deathly hallows part 1 sucks B@lls though :/
bms1996 12
381. nobody likes sparkling men that can pass off as pixies.
Xx_Dakota_xX 1
Team Sookie from True Blood xD
BSCstud 0
Screw twilight!
hobbsicle805 0
GTFO
dlrowehtkcuf 7
I'm team SHUT THE **** UP!!!!!!
Kerdooski 8
Team Vampires Suck because the girl in that movie acted better than Bella ever did. **** Twilight.
RocketNinjaFish 12
Team Sheldon!
penelopeadrian 7
TEAM STEFAN FOR EVER BITCHES
bryce0110 23
Team Kristen Stewart did a horrible job acting as bella
cocofruity123 0
awww, let her dream :)
onesky 0
well when she's older and gets into puberty she won't be to excited about blood then
Mutanttoothbrush 6
Puberty for girls usually starts at 8 and ends at 12... shes 13
RetardedBullFrog 4
#7 I agree with you, but this time it's hurting others so it needs to stopped.
kateheartswaffle 0
yeah that's definitely not ******* weird that a THIRTEEN year old is pretending to be a vampire... O_o
iLoveBoobies21 0
awww, shut the **** up. :)
xXSillyLoveXx 0
48, I'm not saying all girls do, but by age 13 most girls are going through/starting puberty already.
ArentICute 0
Well, shes 13... an age where she SHOULD know that she is NOT a vampire.
Mutanttoothbrush 6
Shes a 13 year old, she should know vampires don't exist
saraheve1188 5
make her drink blood.
CommonSenseKarma 17
I'm sure cow's blood will snap her away from her fantasy. Is your husband Hannibal Lecter?
rainbowfailure 2
OP, is your daughter's name Drusilla ?
kenji212 8
that bites!
Ugi 27
Who's been biting your daughter I wonder....
Doortje 30
God your kid is stupid.
gravy_jones 0
wouldn't it be nice if retards didn't reproduce
Shadow73 13
Anyone with two digit I.Q.'s should be legally required to submit to sterilization.
Legendslayer222 26
What about 1 digit IQs? Am I still in the clear?
kateheartswaffle 0
That kid should be sterilized. wait.. no need for that! she's stupid and won't marry/reproduce with anyone but edward! problem solved.
Mattxy8 5
86 is a boss
Blackhandles 0
I'm sensing anger in these three...
DKjazz 20
The actual average intelligence quotient is 100, thus the name quotient. Therefore, half the human race would go extinct, the stupider half. The IQ test would have to be updated to compensate, and another half will be sterilized, and so on. In short, UNNATURAL SELECT FTW!!!!!!1!
cupcakehat123 0
doesn't make her stupid.
JiggaJayZ 16
140- your logic may seem okay, but he said anyone with double digit IQs, not the lower half. So no it is not an unending paradox.
DKjazz 20
Ah, touché. Then again, somebody with a single-digit IQ wouldn't last very long in the real world.
maz255 10
i like pudding
FreezeeMonsta 19
Pudding
Shadow73 13
you need an I.Q. of at least fifty in order to eat or breath. if you have a single digit I.Q. than your essentially either dead or an ameoba.
Shadow73 13
you need an I.Q. of at least fifty in order to eat or breath. if you have a single digit I.Q. than your essentially either dead or an ameoba.
friedpwnadge 25
I was the 100th like. You're welcome, OCD people.
tylerrice 0
WTF?!