Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
Today, my girlfriend's needy five year-old tried to swing on my arm while I was cutting celery. I needed seven stitches. Later, my girlfriend complained that I should have cleaned up the blood because she's squeamish, and that I upset her son by yelling and cussing in pain. FML
Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by cooking dinner. As I was chopping onions, I cut my finger and started bleeding everywhere. She walked in, saw the blood on the onions, and almost passed out. FML
Today, I came home to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair a ridiculous bright color. She knows I absolutely fucking despise brightly colored hair on women. FML
Today, I went to the farm my girlfriend's parents live on. She was showing me around the barn when she picked up a tool and said, "We used this to castrate the goats… and I'll use it on you if you piss me off." FML
Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML
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Top comments
zebraumicornz 6
Doesn't that juice stain! I would get some stain remover if I was you...
lolmigosh 15
I would keep my eye on her if I were you.
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Comments (122)
CALLAHAN4 0
this is honestly one of the lamest fmls ever.
lolmigosh 15
I would keep my eye on her if I were you.
pil_84 9
Just make sure you aren't a bad person and you'll be safe.
XxDevilxXGt 26
I would keep two eyes on the juice in the sunlight when she's cutting it, because then you can see it squirt amazingly like you've never seen before. :D and Dexter is amazing.
EnterSandman_fml 20
If you piss her off she just might be keeping your eye on herself as well :)
jojimugo 20
No I would run ...
hamrtym 15
You don't fit the code so you're safe... Right?
kj51 5
I like that show but now dexter is such a pussy
zebraumicornz 6
Doesn't that juice stain! I would get some stain remover if I was you...
annie_nk 23
It stains like crazy. Anything it touches too. So stain remover is a must.
CCSA 12
3- If this was the first thing that came to your mind after reading this FML, I truly admire your calmness...
zebraumicornz 6
86- thanks? Haha
SlenderMann 10
Hide yo veggies, hide yo fruits...
tsent8 15
And hide your whole grains cause they slicing erryone out here.
jordanhraye 18
Love that show. I don't think you should be afraid of anything unless your girlfriend has a history with violence!
KaeporaGaebora 4
Exactly, her dreams of becoming a blood splatterologist doesn't make her an automatic serial killer. Or maybe it does.
HKCgrimmjow 15
No... No I really believe it does, as well as pomegranates are evil fruits.
Meettitan 14
If pomegranates were evil, wouldn't she be doing us a justice by doing away with them?
killkittenxx 3
Not if by cutting them, she's releasing their true evil.
justonecomment 2
Op should be safe as long as his girlfriend doesn't witness her mother being chopped into pieces by chainsaw wielding Cubans
Carmstro 13
4, a history of violence has to start somewhere.
TheOnlyKittyKat 15
Don't let her anywhere near the kitchen. That's where all the knives and your meals are cooked.
lizzi02 13
I didn't know you could cook knives....
sonicgreg 12
GRAMMAR HITLER IS PROUD!
aw3som3sauc3 10
It's fine #5, Dexter is the good guy... A strange twist, I know...
Futacy 30
This is where parental control comes in.
MichellinMan 20
I'm not exactly sure what you thought when you read this but it clearly said that it is his girlfriend. I don't know what the parents could do to solve this.
mfischer 17
I believe what he meant was that you could use the parental control function to block Dexter, but that's really not a good idea. Trying to control your girlfriends life to the point of not allowing her to watch what she wants to would be ridiculous to the point of stupidity.
eddeeezzyy 19
You're acting as if the juice is going to kill you or something. I think you're kinda overreacting, OP.
whyusofat 17
What if op is deadly allergic to them?
Futacy 30
38- Then flames would engulf the Moon, a fourth dimension would open up, and Justin Bieber would become the empiror of our new post-apoctalyptic wasteland.
MichellinMan 20
Well it all depends on what she's doing. If she's laughing like a maniac running through the rooms squirting juice all over the place then no, he's not overreacting. But if she's just squirting the juice in the sink or something along those lines purely for entertainment, then yea OP is overreacting.
delevish 3
Maybe it's just me, but I got the impression that he's concerned about her new found fascination with carving up something that gushes red juice. I didn't really get the impression that he's scared of the juice, just the fact that she loves cutting things up.
valvmonster 9
I'm pretty sure that's exactly the point everyone's missing here, 65!
loloalltheway 23
So? That doesn't mean anything... It is a show and your girlfriend is not a psychopath I assume so you have nothing to worry about.
xrudeboyrock 29
The fruit in the opening credits is a blood orange - the more you know!
pradip 26
Ripen up OP, there is nothing to be afraid of.
sweetmama88 6
You really need to get major help my friend! Your comments that don't make any sense!
funnynesh 10
Neither do yours, 81.
aw3som3sauc3 10
"ripen" was the joke, he was using wordplay. Subtle, but rather enjoyable use of it too, if you ask me...
Ozuru 11
81, ", my friend" and "you're".
brackaman 18
Holy crap. A pradip comment that got thumbs up? I always thought people down voted pradip's comments regardless of quality as part of some unspoken fml tradition.
AKiDNamedJoHn 12
98 your*
The_Honey_Badger 17
That was a really rotten joke 11.