Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
Today, my wife complained that the shower was draining slowly, so I took the drain cover off and snaked the drain. I pulled out a giant blob of reeking, stinking, rotten filth. My wife saw it and screamed. Now she insists she can still smell it on my hands and won't let me near her. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML
Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML
Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML
Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML
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Top comments
Callyn 47
Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.
JustKittyKat 24
At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.
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Comments (133)
sissycullen 4
The part where you refer to her as "my deranged wife" is basically where the FML started for me.
sirpantselot 22
As, it would appear, it did for everyone.
perdix 31
The stupidity of people is astounding. Doesn't she know that only whole bulbs of garlic are effective vampire repellents? Sheesh!
Axipiter 24
FRESH garlic at that!
TheNewGuy03 29
A waste of perfectly good garlic. Jeez...
MikeMikeTheAzn 3
What? I normal cross neckless can't do?
MikeMikeTheAzn 3
Yes. Yes it is.
spiritfang11237 16
it works especially when blessed with holy water.
xNephilim 19
Yes. Always have a cross, a bottle of holy water, and a rosary (in case you have to bless more water to make it holy) with you!
sassy2085 16
If it was a bad dream let her know that vampires in her dreams denote that someone is draining her of energy or has watched to many scary vampire movies which includes twilight lol.
SeeNote 1
She's officially lost it.
Sai_Run614 7
What drugs are she on. I wonder what the trip is like.
ambowew 7
At least she believes in the right sort of vampire, rather than those filthy half breeds that sparkle.
Angelrose2004 17
This is actually really sad. I've had my paranoid moments, but this is crossing the line. I'm with number 2. She needs professional help badly. This poor woman can't live her life this this!
ICastillo 25
She is crazy there is no such thing as vampires, but I have seen a werewolf running around I swear I have.... *loads gun with silver bullets*
cjgirl 15
You do realize there is a "vampire disease", right? I don't recall the name but basically the people crave blood (which they usually drink from a significant other), are extremely sensitive to sunlight, move faster than an average person, and have an over active immune system... They are the "real life vampires". But they don't kill people and drink them dry. But saying vampires don't exist, technically, is not correct.
raraisbang 12
82 is actually SOMEWHAT correct, though the people with the actual disease do not crave blood. The disease is called Cutaneous Porphyria and is characterized by sensitivity to sunlight, causing blisters on the skin, receding of the gum lines to create a "fang-like" appearance of the teeth, and anemia. No, this disease does not cause people to have quicker reflexes as 82 said, nor does it cause the few with this rare disease to drink or crave blood, but there is in fact a disease nicknamed the "vampire disease."
Futacy 30
Time for some role play! You be Edward Cullen and she can be Trisha, the crime fighting ninja stripper with boundary issues. On a serious note, you should really get her to a therapist or a hypnotist for some help.