Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, due to an emergency, I ended up working for 18 hours instead of 13. I'd texted my unemployed wife to let her know this was unavoidable, but when I got home she blamed me like she thought I planned this in advance, yelled at me, and my dinner was Heinz tomato soup I had to heat up myself. FML
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, my girlfriend screamed at me for throwing away her food, calling me a sick, controlling psycho. When I pointed out that the seafood pasta I tossed was a week old and almost certainly rotten, she dug the box out of the trash and ate it to prove a point. Now she's got food poisoning and somehow it's my fault. FML
Today, after an argument, my wife goes out to cook her curly fries in our airfryer. The thing beeps after 15 minutes; my wife goes out and announces, "Oh that's great." "What's up babes?" says I. "I put the fries in the wrong compartment. It's all your fault, you wound me up earlier." she says. FML
Today, after a shitty day, I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. When I grabbed the salt container, the bottom lid came off and the salt went everywhere. FML
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
Today, I had to take my life into my hands and tell my wife that when she was yelling at me earlier, she was yelling at me in her own language, which I’m still not fluent in, so whatever it was that upset her, I still haven’t fixed it because I didn’t understand the instructions. FML
Today, my disgusting coworker made a comment about "women versus accountability" and I couldn't even yell at him for being a sexist scumbucket, because my wife threw coffee at me yesterday for pointing out that she'd left the chips open and they went stale. FML
Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML
Today, I started a new job and wanted to seem organized, so I brought a homemade lunch in a container. I went to heat it up, but forgot to remove the lid completely. The container exploded in the microwave, covering the inside with sauce. I spent my lunch break cleaning it while my coworkers smirked. FML
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Top comments
Hangryko 32
Were you the last one who used it?
pjsr 33
Good news - no vampires raiding the fridge!
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Comments (8)
pjsr 33
Good news - no vampires raiding the fridge!
Justkidding100 41
literally both of you just want to talk to one another. She wants sympathy for what is probably just the final straw that overwhelmed her (unfortunately she is expressing this frustration at you) and you obviously would like sympathy in return for working horrible hours. This is literally what spouses are for. If you can't get over this now the resentment will never get better
Hangryko 32
Were you the last one who used it?
Rake 18
Why can't people just take responsibility over not screwing things right? Just apologize and promise to clean up, instead of whining.
D J's MOM 17
does she have mood swings? may be time to get her checked out if this is a recurring problem. if not, just chuck it up to a bad day and leave it at that.
poopface82 25
Didn’t they tell you this in Good Husband 101? EVERYTHING is your fault.
Nico97 3
tell her to shut the f up. if you’re the provider she needs to watch it. you should apologize if you didn’t screw on the lid properly but she needs to communicate like a big girl or not at all. don’t speak to her until she can be civil and watch her mouth
EricW 4
I cannot understand why the garlic was in the fridge. it is no yogurt!!