Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, as part of our prank war, my girlfriend found a hairy tarantula picture and stuck it on the wall. I hadn't yet told her I'm arachnophobic, and when I saw it I passed out and hit my head hard enough to need an ambulance. She decided she's won the war and I don't get a say in the matter. FML
Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML
Today, tired of my roommate’s constant stealing of my food, I decided to get back at him by hiding a small amount of hot sauce in his sandwich, thinking it would be a funny prank. When he took a huge bite, he immediately started choking and running to the bathroom. I later found out he's allergic to spicy food. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I finally gave in and agreed to try holding my girlfriend's pet tarantula. The moment I did, it bit me. According to her she’s had him 4 years and he’s never so much as nipped her, never mind a full bite. Lucky me. My hand is twice the normal size and I can feel my heartbeat in it. FML
Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML
Today, I get the feeling my wife is mad at me. I have no evidence to support this, except she ran me a bath with a bath bomb and a shit load of chilli powder, so like I say, no hard evidence except the excruciating burning in my asshole, peehole, ballsack, nostril and eyes. FML
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Top comments
Charlie Given 28
Maybe it's time to stop playing practical jokes, since hers was elevated to the point of being dangerous and life-threatening.
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Okay, yeah, your prank was bad, but you don't deserve to be nearly killed over it. It's a fake spider for crying out loud, not a real one and not a situation requiring a hospital visit unlike what she did to you.
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Comments (4)
DLBL 23
Did you need a confession? Horseradish and peppers don't find their way into your mouth on their own, do they?
Charlie Given 28
Maybe it's time to stop playing practical jokes, since hers was elevated to the point of being dangerous and life-threatening.
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Okay, yeah, your prank was bad, but you don't deserve to be nearly killed over it. It's a fake spider for crying out loud, not a real one and not a situation requiring a hospital visit unlike what she did to you.
DLBL 23
A good prank is one in which the "victim" can laugh, too. Being scared for real or being HURT is not fun for most people! Nuance, people, nuance. No tampering with food. Except this gem: Tell your victim you made Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies, but they try one and it's RAISINS! Though this should be punishable by law.